Black Lives Matter but I Am Not Insignificant.

I have something to add to the widespread conversation about the Black lives matter movement. It's a side of the story that I have not read about anywhere. So, I'll take on the challenge of writing it for all the other people in a similar situation as myself. There are links in this article to important contributions in this conversation. They are highlighted red and I urge you to click on them for a better picture of what this is about.

Black lives do matter. I commend the black community for trying to break the biases that are still present in our nation and the world. Being racist should be uncomfortable. <click on this link if you want to understand more about white privilege and the racial bias. White privilege is a thing and does happen. Black people face an uphill climb in today's world. Just because the civil right's movement is over does not mean that things are all done changing. People who commit crimes should face justice... that includes the police, that includes black people, that includes white people.

All lives matter. I understand why supporters of the Black live matter movement feel like that phrase is not the point of the conversation. Honestly the phrase has more of an impact in the pro-life/pro-choice debate, but there is a point to be made there. Not all black people are criminals, not all police target black people, not all white people are racist... All lives matter because we are all individuals connected to each other by the common bond of being human with red blood running through our veins. Humans matter, and right now black humans are asking us all to hear their voices. We should listen. We should listen without making them feel like whinny babies crying over spilled milk. All lives matter but it does not give you an excuse to ignore the injustice or pretend like it doesn't exist.

That being said I don't know if I have personally experienced white privilege myself. I'm white. I'm sure some of you are thinking "Of course you have experienced it. You are white therefore white privilege." But there is more to it than that.

White is not the only thing about me that people see. I may walk into every door as a white person but I walk out with so many more judgments than that.

As a person who falls into several minorities I find it difficult to get a job, be looked at with respect in the eyes of society, be taken seriously, find housing, choose where I live, and many more that cannot be explained in list format like this.

I am suspicious in the eyes of the police. I live in a small town in Tennessee. The police patrolled my street once a week for a year after I moved in. Why did they stop? My husband got a job at a gas station where he now know all the cops in our town by name and they know him. One even gave him a ride home from work when he would have had to walk.

It is illegal for my family to live in many states. It is also illegal for my family to live in many cities. I have been turned down by rental companies and/or specific home owners because I lived as an unconventional family. One of my neighbors put a letter in my mailbox that said it was illegal in our housing code for more than one family to live in the same house.

When I am in public I face people openly disgusted. A woman left the restaurant because she said she "didn't want her son exposed to that" because I kissed the cheek of more than one of my partners. When I go to a store there is pointing and staring if I hold the hand of two men at the same time.

I don't have any morals because I don't believe in God. I must be overcome by the control of Satan.

If I walk into a store that is visibly above my pay grade or below my clothing size range then the employees and customers look at me puzzled as to why I am in there. I've been followed around a store to prevent me from stealing something. Someone left the short line and went over to a longer line in the grocery store because I was in front of them.

My list of minorities that entitle me to nothing more than the underprivileged list and an automatic suspect in the eyes of police: I am an atheist. I practice witchcraft. I am poor, considered to be in poverty. I am fat. I have more than one spouse. I have more than the society accepted number of children. Some of my children were not birthed by me. One of my partners is a woman, sometimes people classify me as a lesbian. I am a bisexual. LGBTQIA excludes me out of fear. I have a mental health disorder that some people don't believe exists, or needs medication.

So, you see, when I walk into a store, a school, a job, a job interview I have a choice to make... Hide everything about who I am or accept that I may be discriminated against based on being me.

Some of you think I should choose the latter, stay closeted, "it's none of their business", "you don't have to shove it in people's faces", I should try to keep people comfortable around me by not telling them.

...but let me ask you this: would you ever tell a black person that in order to avoid encountering racism, discrimination etc. that they should wear makeup to make themselves appear white?

Most Christians make me uncomfortable because the automatically assume that I am. I don't ask them to remove their crosses because I don't want it shoved in my face.

Why should I accept that the health department won't talk to my son's other mother about the shots he will be getting? Why should I accept that they ignore her when she tells them about how he is eating or some of the concerns she has about his development? When I stay in the closet I have to force her voice to be muted in all of his care.

So why do I have to pretend to believe in Jesus, say that I only love my husband, answer the "how many kids do you have" question with a smaller untrue number, hear people tell me that my sexuality doesn't exist or is a phase, tolerate a world where the most searched for phrase connected with "poor people should ___" is "poor people should die", walk into a store that only sells small sizes and be looked at with disgust, be paid less than a man because of my sex, watch people leave a restaurant saying "I don't want my child exposed to that" and point at me. Why do I have to thank people who give me unsolicited health and weight loss tips or information.

I don't know if I experience white privilege because I face a massive set of predetermined biases already.

Black lives matter.

I am not racist, not even sometimes, and I support the message behind the movement. I do not support the violence. The black community should continue to stand up and make themselves heard, but they have to acknowledge that they are not alone. There are so many communities and individuals that are struggling too. Communities that face unjust laws, violence because of hate, and media disapproval.

I want people, white and black, to stop making me feel like the discrimination I face is insignificant on the basis that I am white.

Being Autonomous AND Why I Want To Get Married

Today I read an interesting article that had a lot of great points and insight referring to polyamory. It gave a better perspective to explain why I am polyamorous and why I chose the relationship I have right now.

I should begin by saying that I broke relationships to be in the relationship I am in today. I had a boyfriend. We'd been seeing each other for about two years and had moved through being just friends to something quite serious. I ended that relationship the wrong way. I'm eternally sorry for that. In all honesty I took that relationship for granted until it was too late to reverse things. I tried to make both relationships work and mistakes were made by all parties. Except my husband, who was very supportive of everyone while we sorted things out.

I miss him.

But in the end I chose to be with my current partners and our beautiful children. I don't even think I knew then for sure why I chose the way I did.

That's not polyamory! He had said to me when things were especially gritty.

You see, polyamory is this idea that you can happily be in more than one romantic relationship at a time. He was angry and confused about how I could call myself that and yet be cutting him out of the picture. There were no problems in our relationship.

So, let's get back to the article and what sparked my interest in writing this. The author of the other article was extremely proud of creating a life where she felt less oppressed by our culture and more of a free autonomous individual.

I don't feel oppressed. I exist in all my relationships as a free individual. I don't stay in any of my relationships out of a sense of dependency or obligation. If there is something in my relationship that doesn't thrill me to pieces... that's OK with me. Not everything in all of my relationships is going to be perfect. As an individual I choose to who I am with and I choose to respect the boundaries they have BECAUSE I care about their feelings and how my actions affect those feelings.

It is simple. If I want them to feel like they are treated well then I treat them well.

If my partner has anxiety or jealousy or just wants the relationship to be closed then I have to take that into consideration. How do I feel about that? Are those boundaries that I think I am capable of respecting? Will I eventually hurt this person or will this boundary cause the relationship to break apart? I weigh everything and I try to be as honest as I can be.

I do all that knowing that I am actively making these choices as a free individual.

When I married my now husband it was because I knew I wanted us to be together forever. I still want that and I am happy with how our life has happened and how getting married has affected us. I want that same kind of relationship with my current partners.

Ultimately I want to be a good partner. That is the decision I have made as an individual who could walk away if I wanted to. I don't want to. I am very happy with the life I am building and the people I am building it with. There are obstacles but I feel stronger with these people than I do without them. They support and love me. In the end that is priceless to me.

Polyamory hasn't rescued my relationship from a dying flame. Polyamory just became another part of my life. There became more people who care about me and who love me deeply.








Here's a link to the article I read about polyamory and how it makes people autonomous individuals: Polyamory Is Next and Im One Reason Why

Legal Same-Sex Marriage Affects Poly

This morning I was asleep in my bed. My girlfriend came running in and jumped on the bed next to me...

"Will you marry me?" she said.

"I already said I would." I'm a grumpy morning person. I turned away from her snuggling into my pillow. "Why?" I added peaking out from my pillow.

"Because it's legal now."

That is how I found out about today's decision. Not from Facebook or the news and not from talking to anyone. I was proposed to and I imagine that I'm not the only person who received a proposal on this historic day. There are thousands of couples who are celebrating today with reckless abandon and they should be.

But I am not one of them.

Don't get me wrong I am profoundly proud of our nation today for having made it this far but they left me here in the dust joking with my girlfriend about something that should be so meaningful. Joking about one of the most romantic things that happen in a relationship.

Do I feel free today? No, I don't.

When one of my partners goes to the hospital we have to trick the nursing staff into letting us all go back and it doesn't always work. The same is true for when my children go to the hospital. We usually just pick two parents to take them because it's a struggle to sit in the waiting room alone when all you want to do is hold your child. We are forced to explain ourselves everywhere we go if we want to be understood or accepted. And you know what, we're very lucky. We have encountered acceptance almost everywhere. People see us and how normal we are. Nobody has thrown anything at us. I call that a win, but like many gay couples... I want it to be official. I want the rights to my spouses that come along with committing my life to them and I want to know that when I am gone, my afterlife is in the hands of the people I chose.

That stuff matters to me, and I hate that it is up to anyone else how formal or official or legitimate my relationships are. So, yes LGBTQ won today and I have fought for that for the last decade but oppression is still very present in the united states today.

I don't mean for this to sound so angsty. I'm not feeling like a sullen brat today. I just want to remind everyone that the fight is far from over. One huge obstacle was conquered today and there are more ahead but I have every confidence the path has been cleared.

On a lighter note my girlfriend and think it would be fun to get divorced and marry each other... or get divorced every decade and swap who we are legally married to. Part of me considers it an option but should we have to sacrifice in that way? wouldn't it just be simpler to accept us and move on? Our relationship isn't gonna go away.

Even the right wing people feel like polygamy is next. LESS THAN 5 YEARS some people think and I am so ready. *spoilers* we're not waiting until it's legalized...

https://twitter.com/MZHemingway/status/614441132295081984
http://mediamatters.org/research/2015/06/26/right-wing-media-respond-to-nationwide-marriage/204166

Polygamy is Polyamory

In high school I loved to talk to my friends about legalizing gay marriage. I had a diverse group of friends and the set of opinions was split. Some of them even posed the question: but what's next if we legalize gay marriage? Are we gonna legalize polygamy too?

The word was said with so much disgust, you would think it was slathered in manure as it came out of their mouths. I remember the feeling I had agreeing with them that it would be a bad thing if polygamy was legalized. I also remember having no reason to agree with them. I just agreed because I didn't want my opinions on gay marriage invalidated by my opinions on polygamy...

Let's think about that logic for one second: (I'm gonna switch the word around on you) I didn't want my opinions on ham to invalidate my opinions on cheese. REALLY? I sincerely thought that having a separate opinion on polygamy invalidated my voice in the debate?

That time has now passed and my opinion on both remain the same. But what I honestly can't wrap my head around is this: Why do people who are for same sex marriage also oppose polygamy?

I don't normally take picture but this one is from
https://www.vice.com/read/after-gay-marriage-why-not-polygamy
and is an illustration by Alex Cook

Unfortunately I have the answers to that question.

Because standing behind polygamy will make it harder to legalize same sex unions.

I get this. I mean, it's a hard enough fight as it is without having one hand tied behind your back and people start slinging around accusations about WHAT'S next if we legalize this. Seriously though... society is not going to turn into cavemen without morals just because some of things that get legalized don't conform with the most conservative moral views. If we legalize polygamy, we are not talking about marrying off our underage daughters to their creepy pedophile uncles... that is rape. We are not asking for you to consider legalizing rape. And it is not going to lead to legalizing bestiality... because that is also RAPE. Children and animals will never be capable of consent and will therefore never be capable of being in a healthy romantic relationship. Yes, legalizing same sex marriage Will open the door to legalizing polygamy because polygamy involves consenting adults who are choosing to live a lifestyle with more than one committed individual. (I'll get to the definition of polygamy in a minute)

Because it is wrong.

Morality does not need to be regulated by the government. By that I do not mean that we should abandon all laws and devolve into an anarchist society. There have to be some rules but who gets harmed by allowing polygamy. We could bring up the sanctity of marriage but honestly I just don't think law is where marriage needs it's sanctity defended. If the people who bring this argument up really cared about the sanctity of marriage then they would defend it with their actions... meaning they would wait to have sex until marriage, they would wait to kiss the person they are going to marry, they would court the person they are interested in marrying, they would do all this because they would not be getting divorced, they would take their commitment seriously. Not doing so would make them a hypocrite. There is nothing wrong with being a hypocrite until you try to force your hypocrisy onto other people. I live as moral a life as I can manage for myself. I don't need the morality of hypocrites thrust upon me under the guise of sanctity.

Many, if not all, of you know that I am polyamorous. So, why am I spouting on about some Mormon cult activity? I'm not. There is this misnomer that there is a difference between polygamy and polyamory. I guess there is but it isn't religion.

Polyamory means

1. the philosophy or state of being in love or romantically involved with more than one person at the same time.

Polygamy means:
    the practice or custom of having more than one wife or husband at the same time.

Most people aren't even aware that Fundamentalist Mormons actually practice polygyny, which is a form of polygamy... and most people are not aware that polygamy is a form of polyamory. There are many forms of polyamory. But I'm going to focus on this one because of all the stigma surrounding it.

Even polyamorous people hate mixing the terms but the fact remains... if we want equal rights, we have to acknowledge the terminology. Polygamy is polyamory. 

It's worth mentioning that not all polyamorous people want to marry more than one person and also that I am open to debate and conversation on this topic.

Jealousy in a Polyamorous Household

I'm not gonna tell you there's no jealousy. I'd be a big fat liar. There aren't just jealousies... there are lots of different kind of jealousies that happen over the course of any single day, and when you think they are settled they crop up the next day or the next week or the next month.

Two people go to the store. You decide to wait in the car with the child because they severely needed a nap three hours ago and have been a little snot through the whole shopping trip to ten grocery stores. Next time you think: I'm not taking any of the kids... but you do because you still have to teach them about life and you love them.

So, you're sitting there with a six year old bouncing on the backseat out of boredom and the evil in your own brain starts telling you that they went into the store without you ON PURPOSE. Are happier without you around. I can see them through the window of the store in line at the register GIGGLING! They ARE happier without me. Now is the time that you might get mad or even cry.

But then they get back in the car and they tell you this story about the little kid behind them in the grocery line who was saying the most adorable things... the funniest thing happens then... you find that you are now also laughing. You are laughing with them and they were just in there enjoying life. Had NOTHING to do with you being in the car.

Two people are talking in the bed next to you while you are trying to fall asleep because you are just exhausted. They laugh and go on with their conversation. Why aren't they including you? Why aren't they talking to you? Why aren't they going to sleep with you? Again, this is when that monster in your head starts to make you mad or even starts to make you cry. But the truth is (and you know this truth somewhere deep down when you are jealous) they just aren't tired yet and they are awake together... obviously they like each other enough to sleep in the same bed so they are gonna talk. They would be talking to you too and maybe they even WANT to in that moment but they love you and you told them you couldn't keep your eyes open for one more minute... besides... Why aren't you talking to them? Are you happier not talking to them? (Oh yes, that thought totally has gone through my head when my girlfriend doesn't partake in the conversation. But I have been on both sides of this)

 There are even jealousies for me when it comes to the kids cuddling after nap time. Why doesn't he ever hold my hand when we cross the road? How come she didn't want to go with ME to the store?
Isn't it my turn to sit next to him at the dinner table? When is she gonna ask me to tuck her into bed? BUT I remind myself that we let the children make their own relationship decisions. If our son doesn't want to sit with me at dinner for a whole month, we don't make a thing out of it. All we ask is respect for each parent.

All these damaging thoughts rattle through our brains and we say nothing about it because why would you want to ruin a beautiful moment between two people you love so much? In fact, we wouldn't want to. But sometimes it is more damaging not to talk about it. People need to know that you are hurting... so they can give you extra snuggles... right? Right.

Like everything else that bothers you in a relationship, it must be talked about. Those conversations are hard but necessary. If you are having a negative feeling, chances are good that it was unintentional and that your partners can help make it feel better.

I think it's especially hilarious when people think that poly relationships don't contain jealousy... because it is just the farthest thing from the truth. Jealousy stems from insecurities and uncertainty and we ALL have those things. The important thing to remember is that almost anything can be worked out. Emphasis on the word WORK because it take a ton of work most of the time and usually more than one person needs to be doing that work to make a relationship flourish.

We have jealousy, it's just another part of life. We're just comfortable dealing with it instead of making it a deal breaker.

Depression

I've been really hard on myself for a very long time. My house is cleaner than it has ever been. My kids are better taken care of than they have ever been. My life is closer to what I have wanted it to be than it has ever been. I'm thankful for that, and I have had a large influence on that. There are a lot of people in my life right now and I am grateful to them for all their help.

Even though everything I just said is 100% true: I feel like a failure. I feel like a broken person masquerading as someone people call confident. I look at everyone else and wish I had their strength. I wish I had my life put together the way other peoples lives are... I bet you are wondering what I even mean by that. There are just these super simple things that the rest of the world seems to have figured out that I still cannot get a grip on.

Depression gets hold of me and I just shut down. I stop taking care of myself. This is the time where I don't shower. I sleep ALL the time. I just basically become a lump. I do what I HAVE to and only that, which is why my kids still get taken care of. But what happens to me?

I don't even have the energy to write anything else about this. I cannot wait to be out of this already.

The Birth of Charlee, And His Last Name

I got diagnosed with Preeclampsia at the end of my pregnancy. So, we scheduled a C-section because of the complication, and having had a c-section with the twins. I wasn't scared of the surgery because I had done it before. What I was scared of is how my family would be perceived.

My beautiful girlfriend holding our
son for the first time.

The operating room was only big enough for one person to come back with me. We struggled over who it would be. On the one hand my husband was with me for the birth of the twins, my girlfriend has anxieties that would have made me worry about her. I decided on my boyfriend and it wasn't an easy decision. I went back and forth in my head about whether it was fair to everyone but in the end it's what we agreed upon and it worked out. I remember him petting my face and looking into my eyes. When Charlee came out our OB brought him right over to show us even though he was still all purple and gooey. He was beautiful and ours.

They wrapped him up and handed him to my boyfriend. After a few minutes my boyfriend took him out to see his other two parents.  Our oldest daughter was there with us the whole day and even though her teenage angst is saying "he's ok", we could all see how much she loved him too.

We were in the hospital for 3 days and I had all my spouses with me for every night and every day. Thank goodness for grandpa who stayed at home with the other kids. He is such a perfect grandpa getting them on the bus on time and making sure they were eating dinner and getting to be on time. Thank you, if you are reading this, for making it feel like it wasn't a burden at all.

My mom sent us flowers in my favorite color, addressed to all four of us. That was a beautiful moment too. We all feel blessed by how loving and accepting she has been about the whole situation.

Being through a c-section is traumatic, you might guess that much. But I felt so supported. My husband and boyfriend literally slept ON THE FLOOR for two nights in a row. I had help moving and getting up any time I needed it. I think I personally have changed three diapers total and he is 9 days old now. My girlfriend comes to tears when she holds him because she didn't know if she would have enough love for one more and she is just blown away by how easy it is and by how much he feels like hers. My boyfriend whines to hold him all the time. And I worried about my husband who had a weird year, but the moment he held his new son he just lit up with delight. I knew all my worries could just dissolve into the normal intricacies of life. I really can't praise my girlfriend enough. She has gotten up in the middle of the night with me and gotten me anything I need. She is such a strong woman and I love her so much I can't believe it sometimes.

In all, the experience was beautiful. I would only change one thing. I wish we weren't being discharged on the same day our oldest daughter had a ceremony at school. If any one of us could have been there it would have been worlds better.

Now for the conversation about Chalree's name. Some people have some very strong opinions about this particular topic. Some people are very sore about our intentions regarding his name.

New Daddy

This is Charlee's full legal name: Charlee Rhage Jeffries

New Daddy

Charles is my boyfriend's middle name, and Lee is my husband's middle name. It didn't take us very long to come up with the name Charlee from there.

Rhage is pronounced like the emotion rage, and comes from a novel series that my girlfriend and I really bonded over during the pregnancy. If you know the series                                then you might enjoy knowing that his middle                name was almost Z.

Jeffries is only his last name because the state of Tennessee would not allow us to put the name we wanted. The name we wanted is Cooper, my boyfriend's last name. The reason we wanted that name to be Charlee's is simple and complex at the same time.

13

- We wanted my boyfriend to be put on the birth certificate to make our commitment to parenting him together more permanent. We created him together on purpose and half of his parents have no legal rights to him. That is a harsh reality of a monogamous world. I want us all to have custody of all the children more than I want anything.

- As a family we want to have A family name. We feel that a family name would make us feel more united. So we did some soul searching to address what name would be the most appropriate. We thought about creating a last name. Our oldest daughter wanted it to be Unicorn or Rainbow. Combining our two last names also came up... come on though? Coopries? or what Jeffper? NO. We vetoed that. The "pre-existing" children (meaning the one's we had before we became one family) will be keeping their last names and can make their own choice regarding name change when they turn 18.

8

- Why did we pick Cooper instead of Jeffries... Honestly? we went around to each of us and asked which name are you comfortable with. The men didn't care... they brought up the only son topic but we have 2 Cooper sons

6

and 1 Jeffries son (not including Charlee)... My girlfriend has wanted to be legally married to my boyfriend for the past 9 years so she is the most comfortable becoming a Cooper. My boyfriend is already a Cooper. My husband is genuinely comfortable being either a Cooper or staying a Jeffries. As for me? I was raised as a Cooper by my dad, but I was never legally a Cooper and I thought it would be cool to represent two family lines rather than just one.

So, Coopers we want to be, and a Cooper we want Charlee to be.

4

5

4

Raising Kids That Aren't "Mine"

As some of you know, I'm about 8 months pregnant. There's some weird stuff going on with that but that's not the part I want to talk about. I want to talk about my pregnancy also being the pregnancy of my three spouses. Our baby was planned. You see, when we got together we had collectively 6 wonderful children... but ask my dad, I've wanted 10 kids since I was 8 years old.... when we got together, parenting together was a very big thing for us. We were all on the same page with that and it excited us to the point where we really wanted another baby, at least one. Then we made the decision not to use birth control and let whatever happen on it's own.

Five months later I was pregnant and we were all thrilled!

ALL four of us... THRILLED. Maybe that's not weird for you, and let's face it, that's why we are still on each others Facebook, but for some people it is so foreign.

At Dollar General when we bought all our Easter stuff... (Our plan is to fill a plastic swimming pool with toys, candy, and individual Easter baskets)... Anyway, we were in line (me and my girlfriend) and people kept saying "Somebody is gonna have a great Easter. How many kids do you have?" Of course we love our huge family so my girlfriend always says "6 with one on the way." Huge smile on her face every time she says it....
One woman (seeing that my girlfriend is not pregnant and that I am) says: "but how many children do YOU have?"
To which my girlfriend replies: "We have 7."
The woman repeats her question with more emphasis on the "you" this time.
Then my girlfriend says "What do you mean? How many did I give birth to? 4."
 And the woman in all her entitled attitude says "So you have 4 and she has 3." I wrapped my arm around my frustrated girlfriend and seriously contemplated making out with her right there... but the cashier was flustered by the influx of Easter customers.

This is my family.

Why do people care? When any one of us are alone and people ask how many kids we have, they always want to know if all of them are biologically ours. That is so personal. What if they were all adopted? Does that really somehow discount my being their mother? I stress out about the safety of our oldest when she is in Chattanooga, I try to find new things to teach her, and I make sure she has enough self esteem to be OK in life. I teach our 8 year old how to spell and read and talk her through it when she gets frustrated. I tell my 6 year old son that it's OK to tuck his pants in even though some people think it's not "cool", I replace his shoes when they get worn out, and I go to the ER with him when his asthma gets bad.

I hug my 5 year old son because I know he doesn't like kisses, I snuggle with him during story time before bed, and I try my hardest to understand his mumbled language because he hates being misunderstood. I know almost everything about these children... so why am I any less their mother than the ones I gave/will give birth to? Every time my 4 year old daughter wakes up in tears because she is having growing pains, my girlfriend holds her and rocks her and rubs her legs. When our 4 year old son wets the bed, she helps him get cleaned up. She's going to change diapers and feed bottles to our baby boy... WE are their mothers. They are all ours and ALL of them know how much I love them, how much she loves them.

How do you define being a mother? Maybe your mother isn't a cliche' relationship either. Maybe you were adopted or have adopted... This concept can't be that hard to understand.

I have almost 7 children. They are all mine. Really, they are. Being a mother is about so much more than birthing a person. Being a mother means taking care of their needs, worrying about their futures, spending quality time together, teaching your child about how rewarding life can be and disciplining them in ways that the world will end up doing for them when they are on their own anyway. It's about being there, and about caring. One of our children is lucky enough to have three mothers, however complicated that may be, and we all just want what's best FOR HER. And the baby? He is every bit everyone's as he is mine. We will all love him like we do our 6 other children.

Dream Killers

I've hit this wall in my transformation... I don't really feel like I'm backsliding but even as I write that I have to question my evaluation... I haven't showered in a week. I forget, and I don't think about it... time passes sometimes without ever having been noticed. Maybe we invented clocks because without them time blurs together...

THE WALL
So, I've done pretty well I think with most of my goals but there's this wall. I'm getting depressed and bored. That was never my intention to begin with. Was I happier zoning out of the world and living out fantasies of life in my mind? Could that be true? I really don't think so. Why am I unhappy? Why am I bored?

I think it's the laziness. I don't DO. If I did more, would I be happy then or am I really happy sitting on my bum.

But it's something more than that... I think my goals are mirages of the life I want. They are so focused on fixing my problems that they neglect to enrich me. NONE of my goals were set to make me smile. They were all made to remove the bad but they never filled me with good... I need goals that Fulfill if I really want to be living a better life.

Lately I've been getting more into art. I used to sketch all the time when I was in school. The results weren't so good but I am getting lots better. Here is a picture of the sketch I've been working on.


To Do List for today
- take a shower
- research life fulfillment
- make new goals
- take the kids to a birthday party
- go to a doctor's appointment for baby Charlee

Something nice I did today? My girlfriend is sick, she wanted ice cream. I'm kind of a stressed out person when it comes to money... but I wanted her to help her sooth her sore throat so, I made her some from scratch out of what we have.

The Journey to Polyamorous

In High School I came out as Bisexual. I always hated when people would tell me it was a phase. It wasn't a phase, not even when I was monogamous. I didn't date women because... well that's complicated and emotional. Maybe I will tell you about it some other time.

My husband and I have had an open relationship for the last 9 years. We went through a series of stages... The first few years we had strict rules: You have to ask permission first. You have to tell me everything about it after. You have to use protection. Do not FALL IN LOVE. I'm sure we had more rules but I really don't remember them. Soon it became: You can do whatever with whoever but I need you to be honest with me about it and I want to know if something happened. AND DO NOT FALL IN LOVE. That was really easy for us to follow.

Until I fell in love. I was very confused at that point. For time reference it was about 2-3 years ago. There was a man I had met in Tennessee and I fell for him very fast. I talked to my husband about having broken what was essentially the only rule we had left. Some outside factors made a mess of the situation and feeling backed into a corner I left.

Two months later, I was back. My husband has always been my soul mate... We sorted through everything together and were stronger for it. I knew then that I never wanted to leave my husband. BUT sure enough, my desire to be with other people wasn't gone. It was a part of me. I ignored it for several months because we needed that so our relationship could heal. Somewhere between 7 months and a year later, I brought it up again. We agreed that other people hadn't been the problem.

This time I wanted more than a fling or a one night stand. I wanted a friendship. AND that is exactly what I found. I met a man and we went hiking and I was completely up front with him about what I was looking for... but I really didn't expect the next year to unfold the way it did. Occasionally I would see other men but none of them turned into more than flings. My relationship with my fwb had developed into something far more than I had expected.

At the time I didn't even know what polyamoury was. I didn't know there were people who actively held meaningful relationships with more than one person... but I knew that's what I wanted. When I figured that out I joined an online group on Facebook filled with people just like me. I was THRILLED... I wasn't looking for a relationship at all. I just wanted to talk to people who understood that side of me. I wanted people to understand that I wasn't just trying to be promiscuous. And they did understand. A week into joining the group I met my bf.

I still remember the very beginnings of our conversation...

First I met my boyfriend

He was telling me they wanted to extend their family but weren't sure if they would ever find that. I was tired of side relationships that made me feel like two different people.

We were both so up front about who we were with and the situations we had been in.

Then we introduced our partners... at the time, my husband and his fiance'.

We all hit it off so fast. The rest is pretty much history... and present... and future :)

OK, to be fair, there were quite a few fights along the way.

There was a lot of jealousy and fear to sort out before we got where we are today. Most of the problems were between myself, my girlfriend, and my boyfriend. I think the prior open relationship with my husband made me more used to sharing him. Surprisingly, I had as many problems sharing my boyfriend with her as she had sharing him with me... ironic because really for a long time he was still hers. BUT now... he is firmly ours and when we aren't getting enough of his attention we don't take it out on each other. BTW we could both use some extra attention from both of you, lol.

There was one other problem that we are still more or less working on. I have some deep intimacy issues with women in particular that stem from more than just my mother. I love my girlfriend in every way possible. She is beautiful and romantic. I wish I could take our relationship to a deeper level but I have so many fears holding me back. We're getting there. I just want her to know how much I love and value her.



We'd all really love to get married. Legally would be ideal but we want to have a commitment ceremony regardless of legality.

Our Multicultural Dentist Experience

We took five of our 6 3/4 children to the dentist about a week ago for their six month cleaning. Our oldest child still has not seen a dentist all year. We're trying to get her in to see our dentist during spring break but for now she has an appointment during summer break when we have her. She really needs to see a dentist because she has been complaining about her teeth for about 9 months now.

Last time we went to the dentist we had to take our 5 year old all the way to Nashville for him to have dental surgery, which went really well. The dentist is worried about his two front bottom teeth but actually suggested that they are ready for US to wiggle and pull them out at home so his adult teeth can come in. Or we can make an appointment and he will pull them. Other than that he is all good.

Also last time, our 4 year old daughter screamed and cried. They could not get ex-rays of her teeth. The most they accomplished was having her brush her own teeth with a new princess toothbrush. Nobody was allowed to see in her mouth. BUT this time we brought my husband who has always been really good at prepping the kids for doctors and she did fine. She was so proud of herself: sat through the ex-rays, laid on the table, bragged about how good she was being, let them clean her teeth, and let the dentist look at them. It was a complete 180... she even told the dentist that she is as tall as her head.

We had been to that dentist once before and explained that we are co-parenting. They treated us as one family. This last time we were treated like two families again. Actually that happened at our OB appointment yesterday. New staff and spaced out appointments are just not maintaining the one family vibe that we are always striving for. I think it is going to be something we always struggle with.

The most interesting thing happened in the waiting room where they have a whole section of toys set up. Three of our children were playing and I was watching them while my girlfriend and my husband were in the back with the other two kids. A family walked in... two parents, a grandma, and a little girl. She was probably 2 years old and she spoke Indian like her family. I got the distinct impression that neither her nor her grandmother spoke English... maybe this was just an impression. So, the grandmother brought this tiny shy little girl over to purple haired me and my three rowdy kids.

I smiled at her and her granddaughter and tried to let her know that I was friendly and non-judgmental. She smiled back and encouraged her granddaughter to go play with some of the toys. I told the kids to share. And then we both let the kids do what they were going to do. What happened next made me so proud... our 5 year old, who was playing with legos, brought her a whole bag full of legos and handed her one. Neither of them needed to say anything. Our six year old made a train on the table and let her push it. None of them even noticed she spoke another language. They were just playing with their new tiny friend. And then we had to go but that was such a beautiful moment.

I consider us so normal. We're just a family. We do nap-time and homework and struggle with how to deal with an almost teenager and struggle with how in the world to get our children to clean their room. Everyone in our relationship sleeps in one bed much like any other relationship. Cheating is sleeping with other people. OR kissing, OR touching... actually I'm a super jealous person when it comes to my relationships. We argue and resolve our problems. We eat dinner almost every night at the table together. We just live and figure out how to make life work. We take care of each other.

On that note I should mention this... I had an unhappy childhood. My dad was always there for me, he did the best he was capable of doing. It wasn't what I needed but he did and does love me. My mom was never there. She and I have struggled to find a balance in our relationship that works but I think we have found a happy place to get to know one another. I do wish she was more involved in my life and the the life of my children but I think I understand why she isn't. She would have to be here for that to really work... Or I would have to be there. Overall, my family and my extended family have everything they could for me and I'm very grateful for them because without them I wouldn't be me. I love me and being me. There are things I want to change about myself and the only way I had to explain my hatred of TV was to say how it really was FROM MY PERSPECTIVE.

Life is so much more complicated that MY perspective. Parents, people... we're all just trying to survive and thrive and we let things slide without understanding the effects. I'm sure my dad had no idea that having 24 hour access to a TV was going to have such a negative effect on me. I know my mom is just an "out of site, out of mind" kind of person. Both of those things hurt me but neither of those things were done to hurt me on purpose. Life is hard, ON EVERYONE. I'm sure my eight year old daughter hates that I'm strict with her... but I'm just trying to teach her that "no" needs to be heard and accepted every now and again. At the end of the day when she hugs me for an extra long time, I know she knows I love her. Life is just complicated.

The TeleVision Fiasco

After not having cable in any house that I pay rent in for the past 8 years, I can now say that we have cable. Ah the joys of television. But before I tell you about the TV currently in my house, let me tell you a little back story...

When I was a child, I had a TV in my room. Many of us 90's kids did. Many children have them now. But I also was very unhappy and alone as a child. I didn't have very many friends. I didn't get along with my brother. I lived with my dad and my mom lived in Germany. There were no rules. I actually remember asking my dad to give me rules once. Can you imagine a child that feels so lost in the world that they ASK for a bedtime, That they ASK to be required to bathe, That they ASK to be required to do homework? Can you think about that for a second? I was eight when I asked my dad to hold MY hand to cross the street... because that hadn't been a part of my life and it made me feel more normal.

So, there I was... lost in the world trying to figure out what life was and it was there. Television right there in my room. Did I mention there was a lock on my door? not that anyone came to check on me.

A day in the life of 8 year old me... lets call it Tuesday. Wake up late, say 8:20 and have 10 minutes to get dressed and run to the bus stop. Many many times I could see the bus coming up the street while I was running. School got out at 3 or 3:30 and I was home by 4. The first thing I did when I got home from school? turn the TV on. Then I would watch it from 4 until 10 or 11, whenever I got tired and then I would sleep. I ate in front of my TV.

Some of you aren't comprehending what I mean by "I would watch it"... some of you turn the TV on and catch little bits here and there whole you do other things. I did NOTHING else. NOTHING. There were times I peed my pants because I did not stop watching to go to the bathroom.

OK so fast forward..... High School. Same habits. I think I actually showered less often than when I was a kid.  Still watched 7 hours of television on a school day. I only passed school because studying wasn't really necessary for me to soak in the material. I was lucky in that way.

I knew I had a problem. It got so bad that I could walk into a room with a television on (news, commercial, didn't matter what was actually on) and I would zone into that TV from anywhere in the room, I couldn't hear people talking to me. People would be saying my name and I wouldn't hear them AT ALL. One of my friends tried to help me by pointing it out until I could recognize the problem myself.

I'm only saying this stuff for context, so you all will understand why I just cannot handle having a TV in my home. When I have one I don't do anything else.

HOW DID CABLE GET INTO MY HOME?

The internet company called and offered us a free one month trial. Needless to say I was not the one that answered the phone. I also was not informed about the decision until after... even though I was right about us having a TV in the bedroom WITHOUT cable... but that's a story for a different day.

Fine, we have cable, yay for everyone BUT me. SO, I made this really great healthy decision. I am not going to watch cable TV at all. None. We have had Netflix and the internet and I struggle with them, I'm not adding cable to the mix. I flat out refuse.

When they turn the TV on, I find something else to do. Usually that means I leave the room because I really think that listening to it could lead to watching it. I've done OK with Netflix... but I'm don't think I will ever be prepared for the challenge of cable. My boyfriend doesn't see a difference. I don't really know how to explain it to him. I asked my girlfriend (who is home with me all the time) to support me in this one way "Please watch TV intentionally"... that way it would never just BE on for no reason... sitting there waiting for me to get weak and get all sucked in and lose the rest of my day. DO you know what can be accomplished in 7 hours? and now I don't have school to take up any of my time. She has done really well with Netflix but as soon as she was watching TV today... it just got left on.

Have you ever noticed that? People just leave TV's on, like they are some kind of extension of the furniture that needs to be alive. And when I asked her to turn it off she was busy, so she asked me to turn it off. I said no. That is just a firm boundary that I have set for myself. NO I will not watch cable in my house. Not an hour of a show I love, Not a half hour to wind down, Not five minutes because I got interested while I was turning it off. NO. Am I over reacting?

Everyone gets huffy when I mention I'll just go do something else. I don't say it mean. I try not to. It take a lot for me to leave the room and we've only had cable for TWO days. I don't really know how this month is gonna go but my answer to cable in the house is no. JUST NO.

Sorry if that was a little long.

Day 16 and The Missing Days

I made it to TWO WEEKS... it probably doesn't feel like it because I wasn't posting but I did not stop the progress. There was 1 or 2 pajama days, and going outside still evades me but the rest is still really on track. Actually, I don't watch more than an hour of TV a day and some of things I have wanted to do for a long long time are happening.

I have seedlings!

I do go outside about 43% more often which I consider a win... and even though we got a new dusting of snow, the first signs of spring are peaking through the dreadful tail end of winter. Winter is by far my least favorite season but I am so happy to even have seasons now that I don't mind it as much. In the desert there is summer and winter and then more summer. Blistering heat all summer starting in February sometimes and blistering winds all winter... ugh. Tennessee has proven to be the perfect climate for me. It is wet, but not always. The summers are never TOO hot and the winters are never TOO cold. I love it here, you should all visit.

So, what was I doing while I wasn't posting. I had this urge to draw, which I haven't done since high school... but I wanted to. It took a few days while I was still writing blog posts to figure out what I wanted to draw. Once I did I got kind of consumed with the art project and spent several hours a day working on it. The accomplishments that can be made within a few days are amazing. All you really need is a plan, and some focus. 

Here are some pictures of the in process...

Left is the original sketch

<-----

Right is what it had started to become once I got it on the computer 

----->

And here is the final product...

I'm really happy with it. There are still things I see that I could tweak or change but it had to end at some point.

Day 10 The Aquarium and Pole Dancing

Today I showered and got dressed and hung out with my 13 year old. We wanted to cut her hair but we didn't end up doing that. She is really into exploring her individuality and I wish she could just a little bit more. She's a really great kid. The hair man, it's all in the hair... be grateful she doesn't want ten facial piercings and does her homework. But I digress...

Jellyfishes at the aquarium courtesy of my cousin.

My cousin messaged me today, I suspect to check on my progress which is pretty awesome. I have a ton of support. There really is nothing else in this world like having people around you who want you to succeed. Anywho, she said she was going to the aquarium. I have never been to one but I want to really bad. And then a deal was struck: she would send me pics of the aquarium provided that I send her pics of... drum roll please, you guessed it... The Outside.

The moon shining through the limbs of a
tree in my front yard.

And for this beautiful picture I ventured outside, after dark. I turned off the porch lights so I could see the night better. The stars aren't as bright out here as they are in the desert but that's OK. Those chirpy sounds were out again tonight and my girlfriend says they are birds while my boyfriend says frogs... but its too cold to be frogs. My vote goes to the frogs, there's a pond over where the sound is coming from and in the summer... the unmistakable sound of frogs... hmm. The moon was out and the cat that never did learn to use a litter box. She lives outside now, the cat not the moon who has always lived outside.








There is a beautiful pole dancing feminist video circulating through the interweb and social media. At first I didn't watch it because I figured meh sounds like something I already know but then I ran into this comment under it that had me compelled to watch the video.

The comment: "This is beautiful.. but i feel compelled to point out.. they all pretty much had the same basic body type.. where are the big girls?? where are the scarred girls.. the ones with huge stretch marks?? this is an amazing video but i feel it is lacking because not all of us women have that body type so how can it empower those who dont match?? granted i know that expressing this opinion will earn me a solid bashing for the most part.. but this bothers me"

The video: Why I Dance

Now let me explain why the comment bothered me... First of all body type wasn't the point of the short film and I don't think it should be criticized for something it wasn't even trying to say. It's like saying that a video about puppies should have had more kittens in it. Secondly and I really should credit the wording of this point to my cousin who didn't really know I would be using her opinion: I like to focus on what art, any kind of art, is accomplishing, rather than bemoaning that it isn't doing enough.

And the best quote in the entire video: "Because the expression of my sexuality does not negate my: integrity, intelligence, or autonomy"

I'm against slut shaming and I've run into a lot of it, first as a bisexual and now as a polyamorous woman. Does expressing that you are a sexual being have to correlate to being a slut. Does it matter how many people I have slept with? Does it matter how many people I didn't sleep with? No... it doesn't matter because being sexual does not directly correlate to being labeled a slut. It just doesn't. I am a woman, with a body, and I use my body to express myself in ways that feel right for me.

Day 9 Today I Suck

After waking up this morning fairly early (too early) I went to the bathroom and got back in bed. At 2:30 I got up and got dressed but I really should have showered. Then I sat down on the couch and stayed on my computer for the rest of the day.

The up-side, I did drink water. I did get dressed. I didn't watch TV (although being on the computer all day is not better than zoning out on TV) I hate that I don't live my life. I sit around soaking in the remnants of people who are living life. I could make more than half the content I take in but instead I watch and vegetate. At least I have been writing as consistently as I want to. I don't think I've missed more than a day even though I haven't posted everything I've written.

I don't feel like a failure but weirdly enough I "want to"... my brain keeps going to that depressing place but there's something else that is sort of reminding me to keep trying. Reminding me that the failure of today doesn't have to stick. It doesn't have to be what tomorrow hold for me. At least I'm still working on it. At least I'm still making progress.

As for the photo from going outside today... it's dark out. Maybe I will go outside tonight still and maybe I won't. I am forgiving myself for today now and I will do better tomorrow.

Day 8

Yesterday my girlfriend and I made pads, like menstrual pads. Yup. I know what you're thinking... "but Afton, aren't you pregnant." LOL jk... but we really did make pads. My girlfriend gets rashes from store bought pads and she hates tampons. A few years back one of my cousins (she's kind of a hippie environmentalist and I so admire her for that) told me that she used homemade pads and I passed the idea onto my girlfriend because they are basically cotton. Sounds comfy, right?

Or gross, which is what I know you all are really thinking. My girlfriend tried them all night last night and all day today and she really likes them. According to her they are absorbent and cute and comfortable... they get the job done. They don't stay in place that well and we didn't make enough of them. They wash well and they absorb the blood in a way that keeps them from leaking or running. And they are not gross, well, no more gross than changing a normal pad or tampon.

I also want you all to know I made it outside today! 

The snow we got last night had melted off throughout the day and the sun was almost down. There was a sound I didn't recognize. I couldn't tell if it was birds or bullfrogs but it seemed too cold still to be bullfrogs and too chirpy. I'm assuming that it was birds, pretty all the same.

I took an environmental studies class in high school that I LOVED. We went camping and whale watching and had desert survival training, and studied native + non-native species of plants... The class was AWESOME. But when I moved out here to the forest, all the knowledge I attained in that class and throughout my life about the wilderness around me is completely useless. LOL

Fortunately I have spouses that are from this area who can educate me on things like what to do when you are lost in the forest and what kinds of animals live around here.