Jealousy in a Polyamorous Household

I'm not gonna tell you there's no jealousy. I'd be a big fat liar. There aren't just jealousies... there are lots of different kind of jealousies that happen over the course of any single day, and when you think they are settled they crop up the next day or the next week or the next month.

Two people go to the store. You decide to wait in the car with the child because they severely needed a nap three hours ago and have been a little snot through the whole shopping trip to ten grocery stores. Next time you think: I'm not taking any of the kids... but you do because you still have to teach them about life and you love them.

So, you're sitting there with a six year old bouncing on the backseat out of boredom and the evil in your own brain starts telling you that they went into the store without you ON PURPOSE. Are happier without you around. I can see them through the window of the store in line at the register GIGGLING! They ARE happier without me. Now is the time that you might get mad or even cry.

But then they get back in the car and they tell you this story about the little kid behind them in the grocery line who was saying the most adorable things... the funniest thing happens then... you find that you are now also laughing. You are laughing with them and they were just in there enjoying life. Had NOTHING to do with you being in the car.

Two people are talking in the bed next to you while you are trying to fall asleep because you are just exhausted. They laugh and go on with their conversation. Why aren't they including you? Why aren't they talking to you? Why aren't they going to sleep with you? Again, this is when that monster in your head starts to make you mad or even starts to make you cry. But the truth is (and you know this truth somewhere deep down when you are jealous) they just aren't tired yet and they are awake together... obviously they like each other enough to sleep in the same bed so they are gonna talk. They would be talking to you too and maybe they even WANT to in that moment but they love you and you told them you couldn't keep your eyes open for one more minute... besides... Why aren't you talking to them? Are you happier not talking to them? (Oh yes, that thought totally has gone through my head when my girlfriend doesn't partake in the conversation. But I have been on both sides of this)

 There are even jealousies for me when it comes to the kids cuddling after nap time. Why doesn't he ever hold my hand when we cross the road? How come she didn't want to go with ME to the store?
Isn't it my turn to sit next to him at the dinner table? When is she gonna ask me to tuck her into bed? BUT I remind myself that we let the children make their own relationship decisions. If our son doesn't want to sit with me at dinner for a whole month, we don't make a thing out of it. All we ask is respect for each parent.

All these damaging thoughts rattle through our brains and we say nothing about it because why would you want to ruin a beautiful moment between two people you love so much? In fact, we wouldn't want to. But sometimes it is more damaging not to talk about it. People need to know that you are hurting... so they can give you extra snuggles... right? Right.

Like everything else that bothers you in a relationship, it must be talked about. Those conversations are hard but necessary. If you are having a negative feeling, chances are good that it was unintentional and that your partners can help make it feel better.

I think it's especially hilarious when people think that poly relationships don't contain jealousy... because it is just the farthest thing from the truth. Jealousy stems from insecurities and uncertainty and we ALL have those things. The important thing to remember is that almost anything can be worked out. Emphasis on the word WORK because it take a ton of work most of the time and usually more than one person needs to be doing that work to make a relationship flourish.

We have jealousy, it's just another part of life. We're just comfortable dealing with it instead of making it a deal breaker.

Day 16 and The Missing Days

I made it to TWO WEEKS... it probably doesn't feel like it because I wasn't posting but I did not stop the progress. There was 1 or 2 pajama days, and going outside still evades me but the rest is still really on track. Actually, I don't watch more than an hour of TV a day and some of things I have wanted to do for a long long time are happening.

I have seedlings!

I do go outside about 43% more often which I consider a win... and even though we got a new dusting of snow, the first signs of spring are peaking through the dreadful tail end of winter. Winter is by far my least favorite season but I am so happy to even have seasons now that I don't mind it as much. In the desert there is summer and winter and then more summer. Blistering heat all summer starting in February sometimes and blistering winds all winter... ugh. Tennessee has proven to be the perfect climate for me. It is wet, but not always. The summers are never TOO hot and the winters are never TOO cold. I love it here, you should all visit.

So, what was I doing while I wasn't posting. I had this urge to draw, which I haven't done since high school... but I wanted to. It took a few days while I was still writing blog posts to figure out what I wanted to draw. Once I did I got kind of consumed with the art project and spent several hours a day working on it. The accomplishments that can be made within a few days are amazing. All you really need is a plan, and some focus. 

Here are some pictures of the in process...

Left is the original sketch

<-----

Right is what it had started to become once I got it on the computer 

----->

And here is the final product...

I'm really happy with it. There are still things I see that I could tweak or change but it had to end at some point.

Day 10 The Aquarium and Pole Dancing

Today I showered and got dressed and hung out with my 13 year old. We wanted to cut her hair but we didn't end up doing that. She is really into exploring her individuality and I wish she could just a little bit more. She's a really great kid. The hair man, it's all in the hair... be grateful she doesn't want ten facial piercings and does her homework. But I digress...

Jellyfishes at the aquarium courtesy of my cousin.

My cousin messaged me today, I suspect to check on my progress which is pretty awesome. I have a ton of support. There really is nothing else in this world like having people around you who want you to succeed. Anywho, she said she was going to the aquarium. I have never been to one but I want to really bad. And then a deal was struck: she would send me pics of the aquarium provided that I send her pics of... drum roll please, you guessed it... The Outside.

The moon shining through the limbs of a
tree in my front yard.

And for this beautiful picture I ventured outside, after dark. I turned off the porch lights so I could see the night better. The stars aren't as bright out here as they are in the desert but that's OK. Those chirpy sounds were out again tonight and my girlfriend says they are birds while my boyfriend says frogs... but its too cold to be frogs. My vote goes to the frogs, there's a pond over where the sound is coming from and in the summer... the unmistakable sound of frogs... hmm. The moon was out and the cat that never did learn to use a litter box. She lives outside now, the cat not the moon who has always lived outside.








There is a beautiful pole dancing feminist video circulating through the interweb and social media. At first I didn't watch it because I figured meh sounds like something I already know but then I ran into this comment under it that had me compelled to watch the video.

The comment: "This is beautiful.. but i feel compelled to point out.. they all pretty much had the same basic body type.. where are the big girls?? where are the scarred girls.. the ones with huge stretch marks?? this is an amazing video but i feel it is lacking because not all of us women have that body type so how can it empower those who dont match?? granted i know that expressing this opinion will earn me a solid bashing for the most part.. but this bothers me"

The video: Why I Dance

Now let me explain why the comment bothered me... First of all body type wasn't the point of the short film and I don't think it should be criticized for something it wasn't even trying to say. It's like saying that a video about puppies should have had more kittens in it. Secondly and I really should credit the wording of this point to my cousin who didn't really know I would be using her opinion: I like to focus on what art, any kind of art, is accomplishing, rather than bemoaning that it isn't doing enough.

And the best quote in the entire video: "Because the expression of my sexuality does not negate my: integrity, intelligence, or autonomy"

I'm against slut shaming and I've run into a lot of it, first as a bisexual and now as a polyamorous woman. Does expressing that you are a sexual being have to correlate to being a slut. Does it matter how many people I have slept with? Does it matter how many people I didn't sleep with? No... it doesn't matter because being sexual does not directly correlate to being labeled a slut. It just doesn't. I am a woman, with a body, and I use my body to express myself in ways that feel right for me.

Day 8

Yesterday my girlfriend and I made pads, like menstrual pads. Yup. I know what you're thinking... "but Afton, aren't you pregnant." LOL jk... but we really did make pads. My girlfriend gets rashes from store bought pads and she hates tampons. A few years back one of my cousins (she's kind of a hippie environmentalist and I so admire her for that) told me that she used homemade pads and I passed the idea onto my girlfriend because they are basically cotton. Sounds comfy, right?

Or gross, which is what I know you all are really thinking. My girlfriend tried them all night last night and all day today and she really likes them. According to her they are absorbent and cute and comfortable... they get the job done. They don't stay in place that well and we didn't make enough of them. They wash well and they absorb the blood in a way that keeps them from leaking or running. And they are not gross, well, no more gross than changing a normal pad or tampon.

I also want you all to know I made it outside today! 

The snow we got last night had melted off throughout the day and the sun was almost down. There was a sound I didn't recognize. I couldn't tell if it was birds or bullfrogs but it seemed too cold still to be bullfrogs and too chirpy. I'm assuming that it was birds, pretty all the same.

I took an environmental studies class in high school that I LOVED. We went camping and whale watching and had desert survival training, and studied native + non-native species of plants... The class was AWESOME. But when I moved out here to the forest, all the knowledge I attained in that class and throughout my life about the wilderness around me is completely useless. LOL

Fortunately I have spouses that are from this area who can educate me on things like what to do when you are lost in the forest and what kinds of animals live around here.

Week 1!!!

   I made it a whole week! Actually I'm not that excited. I could literally list the "new life" phases I've made it through for a week.

Diet: no carbs, counting calories, burn more calories than you take in, eat specific foods to trick your metabolism, eat so few calories that I'm almost starving.... hmm I think that's all of them.

Exercise plan: walk every day, do yoga every day (I love yoga. I should write a fat girl yoga post), stretch every day, do 50 sit-ups before bed...

The list goes on. Fact of the matter is I ALWAYS make it the first week. And then the second week comes and I start thinking "I'm happy, I don't need to keep going." But there's something different about this. There's something better about this.

So celebrate with me when I make it to week 2 and week 3 and OMG month 1! which I intend to make it to.

Day 7 Which was yesterday, yes I skipped writing... I really didn't think anyone would notice ;)

My Boyfriend <3

                                                                                                                                       We touched up our hair. Mine and my girlfriend's color were still not as full as we wanted. After all was done, it took 3 boxes each to do our hair.

My Girlfriend <3
If she ain't happy, nobodies is happy.

Then I bleached and dyed my boyfriend's hair orange. His job is less constrictive than my husband's who will be keeping his hair normal brown.

Later in the afternoon there was a doctor's appointment for the terrible burn my girlfriend got on her stomach while frying chicken.

I never went outside and I probably slept too long. I'm trying not to harp on my failures because it is really counterproductive. I wake up in the morning and I start over. I've stayed really clean which feels good because showering is something I have struggled with for my entire life. I'm sure I lost potential friends because of it. Being the smelly kid sucks... feeling like nobody in my family cares if I shower or not sucks worse. But that was yesteryear.

Dwelling on the failures of yesterday can keep you in the cycle of failure. It's just a really bad idea. For instance: I slept in till 3pm today. Why? because I have a bladder infection... but sleeping that long is really bad for my personal mental health. I know this as fact. BUT tomorrow when I wake up I'm not gonna say "I already failed at getting up so no point in trying today."

Going outside is becoming the most difficult of my goals. I thought TV would have been harder but for whatever reason it's the whole stepping out the door thing. My hope is that I don't because it's too cold... excuses being something I don't want to find as obstacles, I really need to solve this problem. I have been consistently getting dressed every day but not going outside.

IDEA: (let me know what you think about this)
I will take a picture of outside every day for the next week and post it for you all to see. Accountability might very well be the key! I shall begin tomorrow.

Day 6 Boredom and The Routine

What happened to Day 5? I just didn't write about it. I did stick to my goals though.

So, I'm not watching TV or scrolling Facebook or searching YouTube... what am I dong? Being bored!

 Today I planted seedlings indoors with my girlfriend, made play dough for the kids to play with, and mostly sat around trying to think of something to do. Being on the computer temps me to waste time on my normal time-killer sites... which means I haven't been writing much. I did make a list of things to do but then I didn't do any of them LOL...

I guess you could say I am re-learning how to entertain myself throughout the day. Staying away from mindless watching isn't all that hard but I'm still sort of just sitting on the couch watching my spouses play around on their electronics. My girlfriend is super supportive, she closes her computer a lot and joins in on my wacky ideas pretty quickly. Sometimes I wish I was as supportive to her in the same way, but alas I am stubborn. 

Day 6 has gone really well. Because I have it set in my mind that I am changing my core habits it has come really easily. Maybe I was just ready, maybe I am just in a really good place and have a lot of support. Maybe I am just that tired of watching my life fly by in the pretend lives of other people. I don't really know but I feel really good about all the changes today.

Now if I can just figure out how to stay entertained without electronics. Oh, that reminds me... I find myself avoiding the computer altogether. It carries the stigma of being electronic entertainment and I don't feel ready to entirely incorporate the uses of it into my routine.

MY ROUTINE!

- Get up in the morning. Right now there's no pressure to get up at one particular time. What I am working towards is not spending the whole day in bed. At some point I check my Facebook and make sure I don't have any blog comments. That usually happens right after I stretch and before I go to the bathroom. It only takes me a couple minutes.

- Pee... because I'm pregnant and nothing else comes first lol. Since I am in the bathroom already I use this time to decide if I need a shower or if I'm still clean.

- Check on the kids for a minute. Make sure they are being good and don't need anything. Check on my spouses and make sure they are having an OK morning.

 - Pick out clothes and either take a shower or get dressed. If I didn't take a shower I at least brush my teeth and either way I fix my hair. 

- Make plans to go outside. When I do get there I make myself a cup of hot tea to take with me.

- Drink about two glasses of water a day which I think is good. I feel better hydration wise. I don't have a set time when water happens. I just drink it when I think of it.

- Pick something to clean. This can be large or small as long as it is something I can complete at once. I.E. the shelf in the kitchen, dust the livingroom, do a load of laundry, wipe down the bathroom vanity. Another option would be to clean for 15 minutes straight. You would be stunned what you are capable of cleaning in a short amount of time.

- The goal of watch less TV has no distinct plan. I allow myself to watch one or two shows a day and I like for those shows to be something I watch with someone I love. 

- Be less lazy... see above. There's the official plan right there. Doing more = being less lazy. 

Day 3 Purple Hair and Small Failures

I never did get that laundry put away BUT I was off the couch for pretty much the whole day. What did I do instead of watching TV... at first it was difficult to find something that would hold my attention. A few weeks ago my girlfriend and I bought hair dye. Yesterday we pulled it out and got started. It took most of the day to complete both of us and there was a ton of laughter and bonding involved. This being the result:

AFTER

BEFORE

I'm super pleased with the result. Bleaching my hair was terrifying and is the reason I have never done a crazy hair color before this. Before I did my hair I wanted to know more about it. Most useful were the bleach/dye tutorial by Offbeatlook (below on the top) because she bleached as much hair as me, and the Splat hair review by Rebecca Reviews (below on the bottom) because it is actually what I used. Both are great videos:

After these two videos I knew I had to bleach my hair or it just wasn't going to be the color I wanted. I used Splat hair dye... I think it was called purple desire, something close to that.

As for my goals, I never did go outside yesterday... that one is hard. I just kept saying "I will do it later." I didn't clean the house. The rest of my goals were technically accomplished but not to the extent that I would like. What I need is to set up a routine so that they are more difficult to avoid. I'm sensing a project for the day!

Today, I actually did a lot of things... including go outside with my girlfriend and talk about the birds playing in the snow. BTW cardinals are such a vibrant pretty red. I'm proud of myself but the true test is how long I can sustain the progress. I think once I get my basic goals into some sort of routine I'll have to add more difficult ones.

Day 2 Why Change at All?

Baskets of clean laundry (thank you girlfriend) just waiting to be put away... 

Last night I was laying in bed thinking, "I'm happy... why was I trying to change again?"

This is the way that I sabotage myself almost any time I try to do something new for myself... like diet ;) but I checked my blog this morning and there it was. Somebody telling me my goals were good and attainable! which lead me to ask myself, "Why not keep going?"

So, it's the morning of day 2 and I am dressed.

I want to explain the purpose of my specific goals and my plan of execution for some of them (because I don't have a plan for all of them yet)...

First off, my goals are not listed in order of priority.

GOALS!
1. Go outside more often:
On an average day I spend zero time outside. In fact the time I do occasionally spend outside is spent walking out to the jeep when we have to go somewhere... not exactly what I would call a nature walk.

2. Watch less TV:
What did you think I was doing with all that inside time? That's right, sitting on the couch for between 10 and 12 hours a day watching TV. Yesterday I decided that watching pointless YouTube videos and patrolling Facebook are the same as vegging out in front of the TV.

3. Write:
I do not have a job. I stay at home with my girlfriend all day watching five of our seven kids and growing the seventh. I am certified as a nurse aide and spent about two years working in a nursing home but it isn't my calling. What I want to be is an author, preferably of fiction, preferably one that gets paid. BUT alas I don't write. I sent no time writing in the last year and you just cannot be a writer if you don't write. (To be fair, last year I did right a particularly saucy blog anonymously but it only really lasted about six months.)

4. Get dressed every day:
As a primarily indoor person who watches TV all day there isn't much need for being dressed, so I skipped it altogether unless I had to go somewhere. On top of that, I don't actually have friends who I see on any sort of regular basis, and no family in the area. I hang around in whatever I slept in until it gets wet from a spill or I start to feel gross (Which is quite rare for me).

5. Clean the house:
What amount of cleaning gets done in tandem with the sitting on the couch watching TV...?
You guessed it, none. My girlfriend does the laundry and 80% of the cooking. My husband, my boyfriend, and my father in law try to keep the dishes done and take the trash out. I did mention there are 5 kids currently in the house... it can get pretty messy. No one person keeps our house pristine, so nobody gets mad at me for not helping. It doesn't create tension in the house. Plus, I manage the house's budget which has its own stress and has become my role. BUT as the person I want to become... cleaning the house is just part of it.

6. Be clean:
You don't even want to know the truth.
Longest time I have gone without showering: 1 month
Average time I go without showering: 1 week
Showering/bathing never became one of my habits. As a child, I wasn't expected to bathe... and then as an adult I just haven't taken the initiative to take care of myself. The smell? I don't notice it. My hair? A ponytail or bun can hide a lot when you aren't going anywhere anyway. I didn't shower before or after work most days. Sweat doesn't make me want to shower. Sex doesn't make me want to shower. Clearly this is unhealthy thinking, so "be clean" makes the goals list quite easily. I didn't shower today but I did shower yesterday and I still feel clean.

7. Get up when I wake up:
My husband works nights and gets home around 8 or 9 am (he has to walk home). My boyfriend goes to work between 6 and 7 am. The older three kids get on the bus right around 7 am. This means My girlfriend gets up to help the kids get ready and puts them on the bus. She then stays up with the younger two kids who are both 4 to make sure they don't get into anything and to make them breakfast. My husband gets home and is wide awake so he lets her take a nap. I wake up around 11 am. I'm not sure if this goal is phrased correctly but my point is this: if I wake up naturally I should just get up. My girlfriend wouldn't be alone in the morning and I would be sleeping less. I oversleep when I am depressed AND too much sleeping can make me depressed (something I've learned over the years).

8. Drink water:
Between soda and tea and being too lazy to get up and get something to drink when I'm thirsty, I end up being quite dehydrated. Water is healthy, I want to be a well hydrated person. That being said, I am not banning soda or tea. I drink less soda than almost everyone else in the house, but tea isn't much better, particularly when you factor in that I drink sweet tea.

9. Be less lazy:
This one seems so easy to people who aren't as lazy or as used to being lazy as me. "Just do it" they will say... but you have to realize that I have been lazy for the greater part of 26 years. "Just do it" is just as much like saying "just stop smoking, today, cold turkey"... not so easy. What do I mean when I say lazy? OK, in the past week I have gotten myself something to eat 2 times TOTAL. I have gotten myself something to drink 1 time maybe 2. Things I have accomplished in the last 7 days: I washed the dogs with flea soap, I showered once or twice, I started a blog, I read two pages of a book, I wrote a budget, I hmm can't think of anything else besides watched TV. I mean that as literally as I can get across to you. Just do... is a habit, one that I don't have. I want to but my habits include "I can do it later" and "would you mind doing that for me?"... the cycle has to end somewhere. I honestly view this goal as the most difficult one to accomplish.

10. Do 1 nice thing for my spouses every day:
This goes along with the "person I want to be" idea. You may have noticed things in my house are a little more lopsided than they need to be. And yet they all still love me very much. I am nice to all of them every day and we talk through our problems. Overall we have a really good relationship. BUT I love them and I want to be the kind of wife and girlfriend that is sweet and kind to her spouses. So the goal is really this, I want to intentionally do something nice for each specific one of my significant others each day. The key word there: INTENTIONAL... that means if I say yes to something they ask me to do: doesn't count. If I just happen to have done something I know they like... i.e. brought my girlfriend's computer in the bedroom at the end of the night... just because I remembered to: doesn't count. It has to be something like: brushed my girlfriend's hair, made her something to eat without her asking, brought her a fresh coke, let her sleep in one morning. OR rubbed my boyfriend's back or feet after work, made him something to eat when he says he is hungry, made sure he has clean jeans for work the next day, get up with him in the morning just to see him off. OR make coffee one morning for my husband and have it hot when he gets home, turn on his favorite video game and hand him the controller without complaining (BTW grand theft auto's save options SUCK), rub my husbands feet after work, make time for his boring work stories with a smile... etc you get the idea.


Are my goals difficult? maybe you already do most of this... but yes they are a challenge for me. A challenge I want to overcome and one that I am going to try to accomplish.