The Birth of Charlee, And His Last Name

I got diagnosed with Preeclampsia at the end of my pregnancy. So, we scheduled a C-section because of the complication, and having had a c-section with the twins. I wasn't scared of the surgery because I had done it before. What I was scared of is how my family would be perceived.

My beautiful girlfriend holding our
son for the first time.

The operating room was only big enough for one person to come back with me. We struggled over who it would be. On the one hand my husband was with me for the birth of the twins, my girlfriend has anxieties that would have made me worry about her. I decided on my boyfriend and it wasn't an easy decision. I went back and forth in my head about whether it was fair to everyone but in the end it's what we agreed upon and it worked out. I remember him petting my face and looking into my eyes. When Charlee came out our OB brought him right over to show us even though he was still all purple and gooey. He was beautiful and ours.

They wrapped him up and handed him to my boyfriend. After a few minutes my boyfriend took him out to see his other two parents.  Our oldest daughter was there with us the whole day and even though her teenage angst is saying "he's ok", we could all see how much she loved him too.

We were in the hospital for 3 days and I had all my spouses with me for every night and every day. Thank goodness for grandpa who stayed at home with the other kids. He is such a perfect grandpa getting them on the bus on time and making sure they were eating dinner and getting to be on time. Thank you, if you are reading this, for making it feel like it wasn't a burden at all.

My mom sent us flowers in my favorite color, addressed to all four of us. That was a beautiful moment too. We all feel blessed by how loving and accepting she has been about the whole situation.

Being through a c-section is traumatic, you might guess that much. But I felt so supported. My husband and boyfriend literally slept ON THE FLOOR for two nights in a row. I had help moving and getting up any time I needed it. I think I personally have changed three diapers total and he is 9 days old now. My girlfriend comes to tears when she holds him because she didn't know if she would have enough love for one more and she is just blown away by how easy it is and by how much he feels like hers. My boyfriend whines to hold him all the time. And I worried about my husband who had a weird year, but the moment he held his new son he just lit up with delight. I knew all my worries could just dissolve into the normal intricacies of life. I really can't praise my girlfriend enough. She has gotten up in the middle of the night with me and gotten me anything I need. She is such a strong woman and I love her so much I can't believe it sometimes.

In all, the experience was beautiful. I would only change one thing. I wish we weren't being discharged on the same day our oldest daughter had a ceremony at school. If any one of us could have been there it would have been worlds better.

Now for the conversation about Chalree's name. Some people have some very strong opinions about this particular topic. Some people are very sore about our intentions regarding his name.

New Daddy

This is Charlee's full legal name: Charlee Rhage Jeffries

New Daddy

Charles is my boyfriend's middle name, and Lee is my husband's middle name. It didn't take us very long to come up with the name Charlee from there.

Rhage is pronounced like the emotion rage, and comes from a novel series that my girlfriend and I really bonded over during the pregnancy. If you know the series                                then you might enjoy knowing that his middle                name was almost Z.

Jeffries is only his last name because the state of Tennessee would not allow us to put the name we wanted. The name we wanted is Cooper, my boyfriend's last name. The reason we wanted that name to be Charlee's is simple and complex at the same time.

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- We wanted my boyfriend to be put on the birth certificate to make our commitment to parenting him together more permanent. We created him together on purpose and half of his parents have no legal rights to him. That is a harsh reality of a monogamous world. I want us all to have custody of all the children more than I want anything.

- As a family we want to have A family name. We feel that a family name would make us feel more united. So we did some soul searching to address what name would be the most appropriate. We thought about creating a last name. Our oldest daughter wanted it to be Unicorn or Rainbow. Combining our two last names also came up... come on though? Coopries? or what Jeffper? NO. We vetoed that. The "pre-existing" children (meaning the one's we had before we became one family) will be keeping their last names and can make their own choice regarding name change when they turn 18.

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- Why did we pick Cooper instead of Jeffries... Honestly? we went around to each of us and asked which name are you comfortable with. The men didn't care... they brought up the only son topic but we have 2 Cooper sons

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and 1 Jeffries son (not including Charlee)... My girlfriend has wanted to be legally married to my boyfriend for the past 9 years so she is the most comfortable becoming a Cooper. My boyfriend is already a Cooper. My husband is genuinely comfortable being either a Cooper or staying a Jeffries. As for me? I was raised as a Cooper by my dad, but I was never legally a Cooper and I thought it would be cool to represent two family lines rather than just one.

So, Coopers we want to be, and a Cooper we want Charlee to be.

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Raising Kids That Aren't "Mine"

As some of you know, I'm about 8 months pregnant. There's some weird stuff going on with that but that's not the part I want to talk about. I want to talk about my pregnancy also being the pregnancy of my three spouses. Our baby was planned. You see, when we got together we had collectively 6 wonderful children... but ask my dad, I've wanted 10 kids since I was 8 years old.... when we got together, parenting together was a very big thing for us. We were all on the same page with that and it excited us to the point where we really wanted another baby, at least one. Then we made the decision not to use birth control and let whatever happen on it's own.

Five months later I was pregnant and we were all thrilled!

ALL four of us... THRILLED. Maybe that's not weird for you, and let's face it, that's why we are still on each others Facebook, but for some people it is so foreign.

At Dollar General when we bought all our Easter stuff... (Our plan is to fill a plastic swimming pool with toys, candy, and individual Easter baskets)... Anyway, we were in line (me and my girlfriend) and people kept saying "Somebody is gonna have a great Easter. How many kids do you have?" Of course we love our huge family so my girlfriend always says "6 with one on the way." Huge smile on her face every time she says it....
One woman (seeing that my girlfriend is not pregnant and that I am) says: "but how many children do YOU have?"
To which my girlfriend replies: "We have 7."
The woman repeats her question with more emphasis on the "you" this time.
Then my girlfriend says "What do you mean? How many did I give birth to? 4."
 And the woman in all her entitled attitude says "So you have 4 and she has 3." I wrapped my arm around my frustrated girlfriend and seriously contemplated making out with her right there... but the cashier was flustered by the influx of Easter customers.

This is my family.

Why do people care? When any one of us are alone and people ask how many kids we have, they always want to know if all of them are biologically ours. That is so personal. What if they were all adopted? Does that really somehow discount my being their mother? I stress out about the safety of our oldest when she is in Chattanooga, I try to find new things to teach her, and I make sure she has enough self esteem to be OK in life. I teach our 8 year old how to spell and read and talk her through it when she gets frustrated. I tell my 6 year old son that it's OK to tuck his pants in even though some people think it's not "cool", I replace his shoes when they get worn out, and I go to the ER with him when his asthma gets bad.

I hug my 5 year old son because I know he doesn't like kisses, I snuggle with him during story time before bed, and I try my hardest to understand his mumbled language because he hates being misunderstood. I know almost everything about these children... so why am I any less their mother than the ones I gave/will give birth to? Every time my 4 year old daughter wakes up in tears because she is having growing pains, my girlfriend holds her and rocks her and rubs her legs. When our 4 year old son wets the bed, she helps him get cleaned up. She's going to change diapers and feed bottles to our baby boy... WE are their mothers. They are all ours and ALL of them know how much I love them, how much she loves them.

How do you define being a mother? Maybe your mother isn't a cliche' relationship either. Maybe you were adopted or have adopted... This concept can't be that hard to understand.

I have almost 7 children. They are all mine. Really, they are. Being a mother is about so much more than birthing a person. Being a mother means taking care of their needs, worrying about their futures, spending quality time together, teaching your child about how rewarding life can be and disciplining them in ways that the world will end up doing for them when they are on their own anyway. It's about being there, and about caring. One of our children is lucky enough to have three mothers, however complicated that may be, and we all just want what's best FOR HER. And the baby? He is every bit everyone's as he is mine. We will all love him like we do our 6 other children.