Being Autonomous AND Why I Want To Get Married

Today I read an interesting article that had a lot of great points and insight referring to polyamory. It gave a better perspective to explain why I am polyamorous and why I chose the relationship I have right now.

I should begin by saying that I broke relationships to be in the relationship I am in today. I had a boyfriend. We'd been seeing each other for about two years and had moved through being just friends to something quite serious. I ended that relationship the wrong way. I'm eternally sorry for that. In all honesty I took that relationship for granted until it was too late to reverse things. I tried to make both relationships work and mistakes were made by all parties. Except my husband, who was very supportive of everyone while we sorted things out.

I miss him.

But in the end I chose to be with my current partners and our beautiful children. I don't even think I knew then for sure why I chose the way I did.

That's not polyamory! He had said to me when things were especially gritty.

You see, polyamory is this idea that you can happily be in more than one romantic relationship at a time. He was angry and confused about how I could call myself that and yet be cutting him out of the picture. There were no problems in our relationship.

So, let's get back to the article and what sparked my interest in writing this. The author of the other article was extremely proud of creating a life where she felt less oppressed by our culture and more of a free autonomous individual.

I don't feel oppressed. I exist in all my relationships as a free individual. I don't stay in any of my relationships out of a sense of dependency or obligation. If there is something in my relationship that doesn't thrill me to pieces... that's OK with me. Not everything in all of my relationships is going to be perfect. As an individual I choose to who I am with and I choose to respect the boundaries they have BECAUSE I care about their feelings and how my actions affect those feelings.

It is simple. If I want them to feel like they are treated well then I treat them well.

If my partner has anxiety or jealousy or just wants the relationship to be closed then I have to take that into consideration. How do I feel about that? Are those boundaries that I think I am capable of respecting? Will I eventually hurt this person or will this boundary cause the relationship to break apart? I weigh everything and I try to be as honest as I can be.

I do all that knowing that I am actively making these choices as a free individual.

When I married my now husband it was because I knew I wanted us to be together forever. I still want that and I am happy with how our life has happened and how getting married has affected us. I want that same kind of relationship with my current partners.

Ultimately I want to be a good partner. That is the decision I have made as an individual who could walk away if I wanted to. I don't want to. I am very happy with the life I am building and the people I am building it with. There are obstacles but I feel stronger with these people than I do without them. They support and love me. In the end that is priceless to me.

Polyamory hasn't rescued my relationship from a dying flame. Polyamory just became another part of my life. There became more people who care about me and who love me deeply.








Here's a link to the article I read about polyamory and how it makes people autonomous individuals: Polyamory Is Next and Im One Reason Why

Legal Same-Sex Marriage Affects Poly

This morning I was asleep in my bed. My girlfriend came running in and jumped on the bed next to me...

"Will you marry me?" she said.

"I already said I would." I'm a grumpy morning person. I turned away from her snuggling into my pillow. "Why?" I added peaking out from my pillow.

"Because it's legal now."

That is how I found out about today's decision. Not from Facebook or the news and not from talking to anyone. I was proposed to and I imagine that I'm not the only person who received a proposal on this historic day. There are thousands of couples who are celebrating today with reckless abandon and they should be.

But I am not one of them.

Don't get me wrong I am profoundly proud of our nation today for having made it this far but they left me here in the dust joking with my girlfriend about something that should be so meaningful. Joking about one of the most romantic things that happen in a relationship.

Do I feel free today? No, I don't.

When one of my partners goes to the hospital we have to trick the nursing staff into letting us all go back and it doesn't always work. The same is true for when my children go to the hospital. We usually just pick two parents to take them because it's a struggle to sit in the waiting room alone when all you want to do is hold your child. We are forced to explain ourselves everywhere we go if we want to be understood or accepted. And you know what, we're very lucky. We have encountered acceptance almost everywhere. People see us and how normal we are. Nobody has thrown anything at us. I call that a win, but like many gay couples... I want it to be official. I want the rights to my spouses that come along with committing my life to them and I want to know that when I am gone, my afterlife is in the hands of the people I chose.

That stuff matters to me, and I hate that it is up to anyone else how formal or official or legitimate my relationships are. So, yes LGBTQ won today and I have fought for that for the last decade but oppression is still very present in the united states today.

I don't mean for this to sound so angsty. I'm not feeling like a sullen brat today. I just want to remind everyone that the fight is far from over. One huge obstacle was conquered today and there are more ahead but I have every confidence the path has been cleared.

On a lighter note my girlfriend and think it would be fun to get divorced and marry each other... or get divorced every decade and swap who we are legally married to. Part of me considers it an option but should we have to sacrifice in that way? wouldn't it just be simpler to accept us and move on? Our relationship isn't gonna go away.

Even the right wing people feel like polygamy is next. LESS THAN 5 YEARS some people think and I am so ready. *spoilers* we're not waiting until it's legalized...

https://twitter.com/MZHemingway/status/614441132295081984
http://mediamatters.org/research/2015/06/26/right-wing-media-respond-to-nationwide-marriage/204166

Polygamy is Polyamory

In high school I loved to talk to my friends about legalizing gay marriage. I had a diverse group of friends and the set of opinions was split. Some of them even posed the question: but what's next if we legalize gay marriage? Are we gonna legalize polygamy too?

The word was said with so much disgust, you would think it was slathered in manure as it came out of their mouths. I remember the feeling I had agreeing with them that it would be a bad thing if polygamy was legalized. I also remember having no reason to agree with them. I just agreed because I didn't want my opinions on gay marriage invalidated by my opinions on polygamy...

Let's think about that logic for one second: (I'm gonna switch the word around on you) I didn't want my opinions on ham to invalidate my opinions on cheese. REALLY? I sincerely thought that having a separate opinion on polygamy invalidated my voice in the debate?

That time has now passed and my opinion on both remain the same. But what I honestly can't wrap my head around is this: Why do people who are for same sex marriage also oppose polygamy?

I don't normally take picture but this one is from
https://www.vice.com/read/after-gay-marriage-why-not-polygamy
and is an illustration by Alex Cook

Unfortunately I have the answers to that question.

Because standing behind polygamy will make it harder to legalize same sex unions.

I get this. I mean, it's a hard enough fight as it is without having one hand tied behind your back and people start slinging around accusations about WHAT'S next if we legalize this. Seriously though... society is not going to turn into cavemen without morals just because some of things that get legalized don't conform with the most conservative moral views. If we legalize polygamy, we are not talking about marrying off our underage daughters to their creepy pedophile uncles... that is rape. We are not asking for you to consider legalizing rape. And it is not going to lead to legalizing bestiality... because that is also RAPE. Children and animals will never be capable of consent and will therefore never be capable of being in a healthy romantic relationship. Yes, legalizing same sex marriage Will open the door to legalizing polygamy because polygamy involves consenting adults who are choosing to live a lifestyle with more than one committed individual. (I'll get to the definition of polygamy in a minute)

Because it is wrong.

Morality does not need to be regulated by the government. By that I do not mean that we should abandon all laws and devolve into an anarchist society. There have to be some rules but who gets harmed by allowing polygamy. We could bring up the sanctity of marriage but honestly I just don't think law is where marriage needs it's sanctity defended. If the people who bring this argument up really cared about the sanctity of marriage then they would defend it with their actions... meaning they would wait to have sex until marriage, they would wait to kiss the person they are going to marry, they would court the person they are interested in marrying, they would do all this because they would not be getting divorced, they would take their commitment seriously. Not doing so would make them a hypocrite. There is nothing wrong with being a hypocrite until you try to force your hypocrisy onto other people. I live as moral a life as I can manage for myself. I don't need the morality of hypocrites thrust upon me under the guise of sanctity.

Many, if not all, of you know that I am polyamorous. So, why am I spouting on about some Mormon cult activity? I'm not. There is this misnomer that there is a difference between polygamy and polyamory. I guess there is but it isn't religion.

Polyamory means

1. the philosophy or state of being in love or romantically involved with more than one person at the same time.

Polygamy means:
    the practice or custom of having more than one wife or husband at the same time.

Most people aren't even aware that Fundamentalist Mormons actually practice polygyny, which is a form of polygamy... and most people are not aware that polygamy is a form of polyamory. There are many forms of polyamory. But I'm going to focus on this one because of all the stigma surrounding it.

Even polyamorous people hate mixing the terms but the fact remains... if we want equal rights, we have to acknowledge the terminology. Polygamy is polyamory. 

It's worth mentioning that not all polyamorous people want to marry more than one person and also that I am open to debate and conversation on this topic.

Jealousy in a Polyamorous Household

I'm not gonna tell you there's no jealousy. I'd be a big fat liar. There aren't just jealousies... there are lots of different kind of jealousies that happen over the course of any single day, and when you think they are settled they crop up the next day or the next week or the next month.

Two people go to the store. You decide to wait in the car with the child because they severely needed a nap three hours ago and have been a little snot through the whole shopping trip to ten grocery stores. Next time you think: I'm not taking any of the kids... but you do because you still have to teach them about life and you love them.

So, you're sitting there with a six year old bouncing on the backseat out of boredom and the evil in your own brain starts telling you that they went into the store without you ON PURPOSE. Are happier without you around. I can see them through the window of the store in line at the register GIGGLING! They ARE happier without me. Now is the time that you might get mad or even cry.

But then they get back in the car and they tell you this story about the little kid behind them in the grocery line who was saying the most adorable things... the funniest thing happens then... you find that you are now also laughing. You are laughing with them and they were just in there enjoying life. Had NOTHING to do with you being in the car.

Two people are talking in the bed next to you while you are trying to fall asleep because you are just exhausted. They laugh and go on with their conversation. Why aren't they including you? Why aren't they talking to you? Why aren't they going to sleep with you? Again, this is when that monster in your head starts to make you mad or even starts to make you cry. But the truth is (and you know this truth somewhere deep down when you are jealous) they just aren't tired yet and they are awake together... obviously they like each other enough to sleep in the same bed so they are gonna talk. They would be talking to you too and maybe they even WANT to in that moment but they love you and you told them you couldn't keep your eyes open for one more minute... besides... Why aren't you talking to them? Are you happier not talking to them? (Oh yes, that thought totally has gone through my head when my girlfriend doesn't partake in the conversation. But I have been on both sides of this)

 There are even jealousies for me when it comes to the kids cuddling after nap time. Why doesn't he ever hold my hand when we cross the road? How come she didn't want to go with ME to the store?
Isn't it my turn to sit next to him at the dinner table? When is she gonna ask me to tuck her into bed? BUT I remind myself that we let the children make their own relationship decisions. If our son doesn't want to sit with me at dinner for a whole month, we don't make a thing out of it. All we ask is respect for each parent.

All these damaging thoughts rattle through our brains and we say nothing about it because why would you want to ruin a beautiful moment between two people you love so much? In fact, we wouldn't want to. But sometimes it is more damaging not to talk about it. People need to know that you are hurting... so they can give you extra snuggles... right? Right.

Like everything else that bothers you in a relationship, it must be talked about. Those conversations are hard but necessary. If you are having a negative feeling, chances are good that it was unintentional and that your partners can help make it feel better.

I think it's especially hilarious when people think that poly relationships don't contain jealousy... because it is just the farthest thing from the truth. Jealousy stems from insecurities and uncertainty and we ALL have those things. The important thing to remember is that almost anything can be worked out. Emphasis on the word WORK because it take a ton of work most of the time and usually more than one person needs to be doing that work to make a relationship flourish.

We have jealousy, it's just another part of life. We're just comfortable dealing with it instead of making it a deal breaker.

The Birth of Charlee, And His Last Name

I got diagnosed with Preeclampsia at the end of my pregnancy. So, we scheduled a C-section because of the complication, and having had a c-section with the twins. I wasn't scared of the surgery because I had done it before. What I was scared of is how my family would be perceived.

My beautiful girlfriend holding our
son for the first time.

The operating room was only big enough for one person to come back with me. We struggled over who it would be. On the one hand my husband was with me for the birth of the twins, my girlfriend has anxieties that would have made me worry about her. I decided on my boyfriend and it wasn't an easy decision. I went back and forth in my head about whether it was fair to everyone but in the end it's what we agreed upon and it worked out. I remember him petting my face and looking into my eyes. When Charlee came out our OB brought him right over to show us even though he was still all purple and gooey. He was beautiful and ours.

They wrapped him up and handed him to my boyfriend. After a few minutes my boyfriend took him out to see his other two parents.  Our oldest daughter was there with us the whole day and even though her teenage angst is saying "he's ok", we could all see how much she loved him too.

We were in the hospital for 3 days and I had all my spouses with me for every night and every day. Thank goodness for grandpa who stayed at home with the other kids. He is such a perfect grandpa getting them on the bus on time and making sure they were eating dinner and getting to be on time. Thank you, if you are reading this, for making it feel like it wasn't a burden at all.

My mom sent us flowers in my favorite color, addressed to all four of us. That was a beautiful moment too. We all feel blessed by how loving and accepting she has been about the whole situation.

Being through a c-section is traumatic, you might guess that much. But I felt so supported. My husband and boyfriend literally slept ON THE FLOOR for two nights in a row. I had help moving and getting up any time I needed it. I think I personally have changed three diapers total and he is 9 days old now. My girlfriend comes to tears when she holds him because she didn't know if she would have enough love for one more and she is just blown away by how easy it is and by how much he feels like hers. My boyfriend whines to hold him all the time. And I worried about my husband who had a weird year, but the moment he held his new son he just lit up with delight. I knew all my worries could just dissolve into the normal intricacies of life. I really can't praise my girlfriend enough. She has gotten up in the middle of the night with me and gotten me anything I need. She is such a strong woman and I love her so much I can't believe it sometimes.

In all, the experience was beautiful. I would only change one thing. I wish we weren't being discharged on the same day our oldest daughter had a ceremony at school. If any one of us could have been there it would have been worlds better.

Now for the conversation about Chalree's name. Some people have some very strong opinions about this particular topic. Some people are very sore about our intentions regarding his name.

New Daddy

This is Charlee's full legal name: Charlee Rhage Jeffries

New Daddy

Charles is my boyfriend's middle name, and Lee is my husband's middle name. It didn't take us very long to come up with the name Charlee from there.

Rhage is pronounced like the emotion rage, and comes from a novel series that my girlfriend and I really bonded over during the pregnancy. If you know the series                                then you might enjoy knowing that his middle                name was almost Z.

Jeffries is only his last name because the state of Tennessee would not allow us to put the name we wanted. The name we wanted is Cooper, my boyfriend's last name. The reason we wanted that name to be Charlee's is simple and complex at the same time.

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- We wanted my boyfriend to be put on the birth certificate to make our commitment to parenting him together more permanent. We created him together on purpose and half of his parents have no legal rights to him. That is a harsh reality of a monogamous world. I want us all to have custody of all the children more than I want anything.

- As a family we want to have A family name. We feel that a family name would make us feel more united. So we did some soul searching to address what name would be the most appropriate. We thought about creating a last name. Our oldest daughter wanted it to be Unicorn or Rainbow. Combining our two last names also came up... come on though? Coopries? or what Jeffper? NO. We vetoed that. The "pre-existing" children (meaning the one's we had before we became one family) will be keeping their last names and can make their own choice regarding name change when they turn 18.

8

- Why did we pick Cooper instead of Jeffries... Honestly? we went around to each of us and asked which name are you comfortable with. The men didn't care... they brought up the only son topic but we have 2 Cooper sons

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and 1 Jeffries son (not including Charlee)... My girlfriend has wanted to be legally married to my boyfriend for the past 9 years so she is the most comfortable becoming a Cooper. My boyfriend is already a Cooper. My husband is genuinely comfortable being either a Cooper or staying a Jeffries. As for me? I was raised as a Cooper by my dad, but I was never legally a Cooper and I thought it would be cool to represent two family lines rather than just one.

So, Coopers we want to be, and a Cooper we want Charlee to be.

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5

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Raising Kids That Aren't "Mine"

As some of you know, I'm about 8 months pregnant. There's some weird stuff going on with that but that's not the part I want to talk about. I want to talk about my pregnancy also being the pregnancy of my three spouses. Our baby was planned. You see, when we got together we had collectively 6 wonderful children... but ask my dad, I've wanted 10 kids since I was 8 years old.... when we got together, parenting together was a very big thing for us. We were all on the same page with that and it excited us to the point where we really wanted another baby, at least one. Then we made the decision not to use birth control and let whatever happen on it's own.

Five months later I was pregnant and we were all thrilled!

ALL four of us... THRILLED. Maybe that's not weird for you, and let's face it, that's why we are still on each others Facebook, but for some people it is so foreign.

At Dollar General when we bought all our Easter stuff... (Our plan is to fill a plastic swimming pool with toys, candy, and individual Easter baskets)... Anyway, we were in line (me and my girlfriend) and people kept saying "Somebody is gonna have a great Easter. How many kids do you have?" Of course we love our huge family so my girlfriend always says "6 with one on the way." Huge smile on her face every time she says it....
One woman (seeing that my girlfriend is not pregnant and that I am) says: "but how many children do YOU have?"
To which my girlfriend replies: "We have 7."
The woman repeats her question with more emphasis on the "you" this time.
Then my girlfriend says "What do you mean? How many did I give birth to? 4."
 And the woman in all her entitled attitude says "So you have 4 and she has 3." I wrapped my arm around my frustrated girlfriend and seriously contemplated making out with her right there... but the cashier was flustered by the influx of Easter customers.

This is my family.

Why do people care? When any one of us are alone and people ask how many kids we have, they always want to know if all of them are biologically ours. That is so personal. What if they were all adopted? Does that really somehow discount my being their mother? I stress out about the safety of our oldest when she is in Chattanooga, I try to find new things to teach her, and I make sure she has enough self esteem to be OK in life. I teach our 8 year old how to spell and read and talk her through it when she gets frustrated. I tell my 6 year old son that it's OK to tuck his pants in even though some people think it's not "cool", I replace his shoes when they get worn out, and I go to the ER with him when his asthma gets bad.

I hug my 5 year old son because I know he doesn't like kisses, I snuggle with him during story time before bed, and I try my hardest to understand his mumbled language because he hates being misunderstood. I know almost everything about these children... so why am I any less their mother than the ones I gave/will give birth to? Every time my 4 year old daughter wakes up in tears because she is having growing pains, my girlfriend holds her and rocks her and rubs her legs. When our 4 year old son wets the bed, she helps him get cleaned up. She's going to change diapers and feed bottles to our baby boy... WE are their mothers. They are all ours and ALL of them know how much I love them, how much she loves them.

How do you define being a mother? Maybe your mother isn't a cliche' relationship either. Maybe you were adopted or have adopted... This concept can't be that hard to understand.

I have almost 7 children. They are all mine. Really, they are. Being a mother is about so much more than birthing a person. Being a mother means taking care of their needs, worrying about their futures, spending quality time together, teaching your child about how rewarding life can be and disciplining them in ways that the world will end up doing for them when they are on their own anyway. It's about being there, and about caring. One of our children is lucky enough to have three mothers, however complicated that may be, and we all just want what's best FOR HER. And the baby? He is every bit everyone's as he is mine. We will all love him like we do our 6 other children.

The Journey to Polyamorous

In High School I came out as Bisexual. I always hated when people would tell me it was a phase. It wasn't a phase, not even when I was monogamous. I didn't date women because... well that's complicated and emotional. Maybe I will tell you about it some other time.

My husband and I have had an open relationship for the last 9 years. We went through a series of stages... The first few years we had strict rules: You have to ask permission first. You have to tell me everything about it after. You have to use protection. Do not FALL IN LOVE. I'm sure we had more rules but I really don't remember them. Soon it became: You can do whatever with whoever but I need you to be honest with me about it and I want to know if something happened. AND DO NOT FALL IN LOVE. That was really easy for us to follow.

Until I fell in love. I was very confused at that point. For time reference it was about 2-3 years ago. There was a man I had met in Tennessee and I fell for him very fast. I talked to my husband about having broken what was essentially the only rule we had left. Some outside factors made a mess of the situation and feeling backed into a corner I left.

Two months later, I was back. My husband has always been my soul mate... We sorted through everything together and were stronger for it. I knew then that I never wanted to leave my husband. BUT sure enough, my desire to be with other people wasn't gone. It was a part of me. I ignored it for several months because we needed that so our relationship could heal. Somewhere between 7 months and a year later, I brought it up again. We agreed that other people hadn't been the problem.

This time I wanted more than a fling or a one night stand. I wanted a friendship. AND that is exactly what I found. I met a man and we went hiking and I was completely up front with him about what I was looking for... but I really didn't expect the next year to unfold the way it did. Occasionally I would see other men but none of them turned into more than flings. My relationship with my fwb had developed into something far more than I had expected.

At the time I didn't even know what polyamoury was. I didn't know there were people who actively held meaningful relationships with more than one person... but I knew that's what I wanted. When I figured that out I joined an online group on Facebook filled with people just like me. I was THRILLED... I wasn't looking for a relationship at all. I just wanted to talk to people who understood that side of me. I wanted people to understand that I wasn't just trying to be promiscuous. And they did understand. A week into joining the group I met my bf.

I still remember the very beginnings of our conversation...

First I met my boyfriend

He was telling me they wanted to extend their family but weren't sure if they would ever find that. I was tired of side relationships that made me feel like two different people.

We were both so up front about who we were with and the situations we had been in.

Then we introduced our partners... at the time, my husband and his fiance'.

We all hit it off so fast. The rest is pretty much history... and present... and future :)

OK, to be fair, there were quite a few fights along the way.

There was a lot of jealousy and fear to sort out before we got where we are today. Most of the problems were between myself, my girlfriend, and my boyfriend. I think the prior open relationship with my husband made me more used to sharing him. Surprisingly, I had as many problems sharing my boyfriend with her as she had sharing him with me... ironic because really for a long time he was still hers. BUT now... he is firmly ours and when we aren't getting enough of his attention we don't take it out on each other. BTW we could both use some extra attention from both of you, lol.

There was one other problem that we are still more or less working on. I have some deep intimacy issues with women in particular that stem from more than just my mother. I love my girlfriend in every way possible. She is beautiful and romantic. I wish I could take our relationship to a deeper level but I have so many fears holding me back. We're getting there. I just want her to know how much I love and value her.



We'd all really love to get married. Legally would be ideal but we want to have a commitment ceremony regardless of legality.

Our Multicultural Dentist Experience

We took five of our 6 3/4 children to the dentist about a week ago for their six month cleaning. Our oldest child still has not seen a dentist all year. We're trying to get her in to see our dentist during spring break but for now she has an appointment during summer break when we have her. She really needs to see a dentist because she has been complaining about her teeth for about 9 months now.

Last time we went to the dentist we had to take our 5 year old all the way to Nashville for him to have dental surgery, which went really well. The dentist is worried about his two front bottom teeth but actually suggested that they are ready for US to wiggle and pull them out at home so his adult teeth can come in. Or we can make an appointment and he will pull them. Other than that he is all good.

Also last time, our 4 year old daughter screamed and cried. They could not get ex-rays of her teeth. The most they accomplished was having her brush her own teeth with a new princess toothbrush. Nobody was allowed to see in her mouth. BUT this time we brought my husband who has always been really good at prepping the kids for doctors and she did fine. She was so proud of herself: sat through the ex-rays, laid on the table, bragged about how good she was being, let them clean her teeth, and let the dentist look at them. It was a complete 180... she even told the dentist that she is as tall as her head.

We had been to that dentist once before and explained that we are co-parenting. They treated us as one family. This last time we were treated like two families again. Actually that happened at our OB appointment yesterday. New staff and spaced out appointments are just not maintaining the one family vibe that we are always striving for. I think it is going to be something we always struggle with.

The most interesting thing happened in the waiting room where they have a whole section of toys set up. Three of our children were playing and I was watching them while my girlfriend and my husband were in the back with the other two kids. A family walked in... two parents, a grandma, and a little girl. She was probably 2 years old and she spoke Indian like her family. I got the distinct impression that neither her nor her grandmother spoke English... maybe this was just an impression. So, the grandmother brought this tiny shy little girl over to purple haired me and my three rowdy kids.

I smiled at her and her granddaughter and tried to let her know that I was friendly and non-judgmental. She smiled back and encouraged her granddaughter to go play with some of the toys. I told the kids to share. And then we both let the kids do what they were going to do. What happened next made me so proud... our 5 year old, who was playing with legos, brought her a whole bag full of legos and handed her one. Neither of them needed to say anything. Our six year old made a train on the table and let her push it. None of them even noticed she spoke another language. They were just playing with their new tiny friend. And then we had to go but that was such a beautiful moment.

I consider us so normal. We're just a family. We do nap-time and homework and struggle with how to deal with an almost teenager and struggle with how in the world to get our children to clean their room. Everyone in our relationship sleeps in one bed much like any other relationship. Cheating is sleeping with other people. OR kissing, OR touching... actually I'm a super jealous person when it comes to my relationships. We argue and resolve our problems. We eat dinner almost every night at the table together. We just live and figure out how to make life work. We take care of each other.

On that note I should mention this... I had an unhappy childhood. My dad was always there for me, he did the best he was capable of doing. It wasn't what I needed but he did and does love me. My mom was never there. She and I have struggled to find a balance in our relationship that works but I think we have found a happy place to get to know one another. I do wish she was more involved in my life and the the life of my children but I think I understand why she isn't. She would have to be here for that to really work... Or I would have to be there. Overall, my family and my extended family have everything they could for me and I'm very grateful for them because without them I wouldn't be me. I love me and being me. There are things I want to change about myself and the only way I had to explain my hatred of TV was to say how it really was FROM MY PERSPECTIVE.

Life is so much more complicated that MY perspective. Parents, people... we're all just trying to survive and thrive and we let things slide without understanding the effects. I'm sure my dad had no idea that having 24 hour access to a TV was going to have such a negative effect on me. I know my mom is just an "out of site, out of mind" kind of person. Both of those things hurt me but neither of those things were done to hurt me on purpose. Life is hard, ON EVERYONE. I'm sure my eight year old daughter hates that I'm strict with her... but I'm just trying to teach her that "no" needs to be heard and accepted every now and again. At the end of the day when she hugs me for an extra long time, I know she knows I love her. Life is just complicated.

Day 10 The Aquarium and Pole Dancing

Today I showered and got dressed and hung out with my 13 year old. We wanted to cut her hair but we didn't end up doing that. She is really into exploring her individuality and I wish she could just a little bit more. She's a really great kid. The hair man, it's all in the hair... be grateful she doesn't want ten facial piercings and does her homework. But I digress...

Jellyfishes at the aquarium courtesy of my cousin.

My cousin messaged me today, I suspect to check on my progress which is pretty awesome. I have a ton of support. There really is nothing else in this world like having people around you who want you to succeed. Anywho, she said she was going to the aquarium. I have never been to one but I want to really bad. And then a deal was struck: she would send me pics of the aquarium provided that I send her pics of... drum roll please, you guessed it... The Outside.

The moon shining through the limbs of a
tree in my front yard.

And for this beautiful picture I ventured outside, after dark. I turned off the porch lights so I could see the night better. The stars aren't as bright out here as they are in the desert but that's OK. Those chirpy sounds were out again tonight and my girlfriend says they are birds while my boyfriend says frogs... but its too cold to be frogs. My vote goes to the frogs, there's a pond over where the sound is coming from and in the summer... the unmistakable sound of frogs... hmm. The moon was out and the cat that never did learn to use a litter box. She lives outside now, the cat not the moon who has always lived outside.








There is a beautiful pole dancing feminist video circulating through the interweb and social media. At first I didn't watch it because I figured meh sounds like something I already know but then I ran into this comment under it that had me compelled to watch the video.

The comment: "This is beautiful.. but i feel compelled to point out.. they all pretty much had the same basic body type.. where are the big girls?? where are the scarred girls.. the ones with huge stretch marks?? this is an amazing video but i feel it is lacking because not all of us women have that body type so how can it empower those who dont match?? granted i know that expressing this opinion will earn me a solid bashing for the most part.. but this bothers me"

The video: Why I Dance

Now let me explain why the comment bothered me... First of all body type wasn't the point of the short film and I don't think it should be criticized for something it wasn't even trying to say. It's like saying that a video about puppies should have had more kittens in it. Secondly and I really should credit the wording of this point to my cousin who didn't really know I would be using her opinion: I like to focus on what art, any kind of art, is accomplishing, rather than bemoaning that it isn't doing enough.

And the best quote in the entire video: "Because the expression of my sexuality does not negate my: integrity, intelligence, or autonomy"

I'm against slut shaming and I've run into a lot of it, first as a bisexual and now as a polyamorous woman. Does expressing that you are a sexual being have to correlate to being a slut. Does it matter how many people I have slept with? Does it matter how many people I didn't sleep with? No... it doesn't matter because being sexual does not directly correlate to being labeled a slut. It just doesn't. I am a woman, with a body, and I use my body to express myself in ways that feel right for me.

Coming Out as Polyamorous to Our Parents

The polyamorous flag, which has hiding in it's meaning.

I've been wanting to write this post for some time now... OK admittedly 2 or 3 days, but I really want to shed some light on what it's like when you come out as poly. It's a lot like coming out as bisexual to be honest. When you come out as gay, or straight (if you have one of those cool families who doesn't assume you are straight until proven otherwise... like we are with our kids), or lesbian then people know what to expect. Come out as bisexual and everyone assumes you are going one way or the other depending on who you are dating at the time.

Coming out was different for each of us.


My mom's reaction: "I Googled polyamorous. I think it may be actually more Natural to Allow ourselves to Love more than One, My Life would be way less complicated if I could Allow that and everybody agreed." I came out to her on messenger, so I was able to provide you with a direct quote. My family is very accepting of different lifestyles... what they are not so great at is staying connected. That is true for my dad's side of the family and my mom's. It ends up being a habit that cycles through the generations. Which reminds me, I need to focus more on breaking that habit. I certainly have time now.
My dad's reaction: I always knew you were a hippy. LOL I kid you not, he said that. He also acknowledges my relationship by asking about my whole family and how things are going. I have a pretty great dad.


Husband's mom's reaction: Um OK. I mean, if that's what you want. I think you guys are crazy. But she loves us anyway and has accepted everyone pretty well. She seems mostly comfortable with the situation and has tried really hard to include everyone. Her last visit went really well. She has a new boyfriend who she met online and even he seems to be doing well adjusting to us.
Husband's dad's reaction: Live and let live. He actually lives on the property so he sees us the most and knows how well we work together as a family... he also has the unfortunate side effect of living too close and occasionally hearing what happens behind our closed door, so he definitely realizes that it is a complete relationship. Plus he babysits on date night when the four of us take time to go somewhere together (usually Walmart and running errands, but together time matters however it comes).


Girlfriend's mom's reaction: Do you know what your bother told your dad? and then the subject stayed changed and she even once referred to my husband and I as cousins that she and my boyfriend are living with down here. Yup, cousins.
Girlfriend's dad's reaction: She hasn't officially come out to him, but she talks about us to him all the time and I really think he believes the "cousins" story.


Boyfriend's mom's reaction: You've always been weird and your playing with fire. For the most part she is actually worried about the kids and what will happen if we split up. I don't know her very well but she loves and misses my boyfriend a lot and I think she seems really sweet. He has talked to her about the new baby which make me super happy.
Boyfriend's dad passed away when he was four.


Honestly the most difficult thing about coming out has been getting our parents to realize that if we could we would legally get married and adopt each other's biological children. The way I see it I have adopted four children. They are mine and I want my parents to think of them as their grandchildren. I guess I understand why they don't completely yet, but I hope one day there is no separation between our children in the minds of any of my parents.

While I was visiting Colorado this year for a family wedding (I went without my spouses because we just couldn't afford more tickets) I got really close to my grandma. The best part was that she made it very clear to me that she understood and supported my life. She even seemed proud of me. I'd love to be able to introduce everyone to her, including all her new great-grand-babies. Actually, she hasn't met any of my children in person, so I doubt it will be difficult for her to accept them. However, with how many of them there are and the age range... she might get a little overwhelmed with their wildness.

So, here it is for everyone now... I am polyamorous and bisexual. The style of polyamory I engage in is called polyfidelity. I'm thrilled to be out and I'm totally happy I found this for myself. It was a long road to here.


Polyfidelity (also sometimes called polyexclusivity) is a form of polyamory where all members are considered equal partners and agree to be sexually active only with other members of the group.

Polyamorous The practice, state or ability of having more than one sexual loving relationship at the same time, with the full knowledge and consent of all partners involved. 

Day 4 In-laws, Ice, and homelessness

I never did get around to writing about day 4 on the right day. I succeeded mostly... slept in late and hung out in my pajamas but I got the bathroom vanity cleaned and folded some laundry. When I did get dressed it was to go outside which was really nice. There isn't much wind in Tennessee in the winter (not compared to California anyway) and without windchill the cold isn't so bad for a short period of time.

Photo from ABC News website of where my mother-in-law lives.

We are having some severe ice problems right now in Tennessee and my husbands mom has no power, so she and her boyfriend came over last night. His birthday was a few days ago so we made him a cake and they spent the night. At least they were safe, some others haven't been so fortunate. The winter related death toll in Tennessee. These stories make me grateful we convinced them to come over because they resisted. It is supposed to get even colder tonight and there are so many people without power right now. There are shelters open and the police will take you to a shelter if you don't have power and need to get someplace warm.

Our family is safe and warm, our power is on and school is out until further notice... actually they might have school tomorrow but I doubt it. 

I did come up with a routine for my goals but given the nature of this post, I'm just gonna put that on the day 5 post which I will be writing later today. 

Stay safe and stay warm and be kind to each other. I had a chance to Skype with my mom yesterday and she told me about her day. She and her girlfriend made 40 sack lunches complete with sandwich, apple, and juice and took them down where the homeless people hang out (under a bridge to shelter themselves from the blizzard). My mom said they ran out. She also said it was very emotional. 

My dad raised me never to donate anything. He is one of those people that just doesn't do that. We were never rich so not giving a dollar wasn't really the same as being cruel because we needed that dollar but as I grew up it made me uncomfortable to have that stance on the subject. I understand my dad's point of view. He wants to make sure his family is taken care of first... but there are some people who don't have anyone looking out for them. And while I know there are bums who will take your money and buy drugs or alcohol with it... being kind is still good for your soul. Give food. Give clothes. Give shower vouchers from local truck stops (because letting a stranger into your home really isn't always safe) but do something. Helping ONE person is better than helping nobody. Help in ways that make you comfortable.

The video below is inspiring... but mostly it just reaffirms that not everyone who is homeless hit rock bottom with addiction. Sometimes life just sucks and there's no way to dig yourself out of some holes. 

Wherever you stand on this issue, I hope you at least watched the video. People claimed it was a hoax but it isn't and even if it really is a "hoax" I'd consider it more of a dramatization to bring awareness to a major problem. Two years ago I had almost backed myself into a similar situation. We had to move out of our house because the landlord was selling it... we got rejected for renting another place because we couldn't pass a credit check. We were running out of time fast, had two weeks to get into a new place. Luckily we had enough money to pay for rent and deposit. If not, I don't know what we would have done. It actually came up that we might have to move into my husband's dad's motor home if we couldn't find a place. 

The situation we were in could have ended a lot differently. Living on the poverty line has a profound effect on planning ahead... it becomes almost impossible to foresee all the little complications. Now, we are on our feet just fine. One advantage of being a polyamorous household is having a two family income. 

Being Pregnant With Three Spouses...

Almost 7 kids! I mentioned that right? In my tummy as I write this is our new little baby boy! I am 30 weeks pregnant and growing. But there is something very unusual about this pregnancy... this baby has four parents. He has had four parents from the moment we planned his conception together.

What's it like to have that many people involved in his pre-birth?
Our doctor has known about all of us from day one. Even though she doesn't understand our dynamic yet, she has always let all four of us go back for each appointment. She has also never singled out any of my spouses as my primary partner (we prefer it that way). You really could say that we are lucky, because we expected a lot more discrimination.

Living in Tennessee and being openly poly has been a lot less dramatic than we would have expected. People usually just keep their opinions to themselves and are nice to us anyway.

Setting up the nursery was super fast because two men who work well together can get twice as much done. (They won't let me do it :p but I would.)

Not everything has been perfect. My girlfriend and I have had quite a few fights trying to compromise on what kind of car-seat is safest and how the furniture should be arranged.

On top of that, I have it the easiest. For my girlfriend connecting with the baby was difficult. Men are expecting to be protective but what does an extra mother do when the baby is not in her belly? Complicate that more by the fact that we really wanted to be pregnant together. I got pregnant and she didn't and the emotions... well there were too many to keep track of. We kept trying for that second baby. She even started seeing a doctor about it (the same doctor as my OB) and we would just go to the doctor's office for appointments on the same day. It was hard on me when she would cry after the appointment because I was growing our baby.

It was a long time before she and I talked about our honest emotions surrounding the pregnancy and non-pregnancy. But when we finally let all of it out we both realized that the baby in my belly was both of ours and that we both still wanted her to get pregnant. Our perception changed. She got a lot closer to the baby after that. I think our talk made her comfortable loving the new baby without having to think about whether or not she was pregnant too. The two concepts became separate.

That same separation allowed us to de-stress about needing her to be pregnant now and focus on the reasons she wasn't getting pregnant. It allowed us the space to care about her future pregnancy in its own light without linking it to the new baby as failure to get pregnant. So, now we are taking temperatures and buying ovulation tests and trying the good old fashioned way (which is always fun). We're both excited about trying and both connected to the baby and the two things are no longer linked to one another. That was by far the biggest hurdle of our pregnancy.

For those of you that are not as lucky as me:
Polyamory on Purpose wrote an awesome blog on what to do if you find yourself poly with an unplanned pregnancy and need help dealing with the situation.

Day 2 Why Change at All?

Baskets of clean laundry (thank you girlfriend) just waiting to be put away... 

Last night I was laying in bed thinking, "I'm happy... why was I trying to change again?"

This is the way that I sabotage myself almost any time I try to do something new for myself... like diet ;) but I checked my blog this morning and there it was. Somebody telling me my goals were good and attainable! which lead me to ask myself, "Why not keep going?"

So, it's the morning of day 2 and I am dressed.

I want to explain the purpose of my specific goals and my plan of execution for some of them (because I don't have a plan for all of them yet)...

First off, my goals are not listed in order of priority.

GOALS!
1. Go outside more often:
On an average day I spend zero time outside. In fact the time I do occasionally spend outside is spent walking out to the jeep when we have to go somewhere... not exactly what I would call a nature walk.

2. Watch less TV:
What did you think I was doing with all that inside time? That's right, sitting on the couch for between 10 and 12 hours a day watching TV. Yesterday I decided that watching pointless YouTube videos and patrolling Facebook are the same as vegging out in front of the TV.

3. Write:
I do not have a job. I stay at home with my girlfriend all day watching five of our seven kids and growing the seventh. I am certified as a nurse aide and spent about two years working in a nursing home but it isn't my calling. What I want to be is an author, preferably of fiction, preferably one that gets paid. BUT alas I don't write. I sent no time writing in the last year and you just cannot be a writer if you don't write. (To be fair, last year I did right a particularly saucy blog anonymously but it only really lasted about six months.)

4. Get dressed every day:
As a primarily indoor person who watches TV all day there isn't much need for being dressed, so I skipped it altogether unless I had to go somewhere. On top of that, I don't actually have friends who I see on any sort of regular basis, and no family in the area. I hang around in whatever I slept in until it gets wet from a spill or I start to feel gross (Which is quite rare for me).

5. Clean the house:
What amount of cleaning gets done in tandem with the sitting on the couch watching TV...?
You guessed it, none. My girlfriend does the laundry and 80% of the cooking. My husband, my boyfriend, and my father in law try to keep the dishes done and take the trash out. I did mention there are 5 kids currently in the house... it can get pretty messy. No one person keeps our house pristine, so nobody gets mad at me for not helping. It doesn't create tension in the house. Plus, I manage the house's budget which has its own stress and has become my role. BUT as the person I want to become... cleaning the house is just part of it.

6. Be clean:
You don't even want to know the truth.
Longest time I have gone without showering: 1 month
Average time I go without showering: 1 week
Showering/bathing never became one of my habits. As a child, I wasn't expected to bathe... and then as an adult I just haven't taken the initiative to take care of myself. The smell? I don't notice it. My hair? A ponytail or bun can hide a lot when you aren't going anywhere anyway. I didn't shower before or after work most days. Sweat doesn't make me want to shower. Sex doesn't make me want to shower. Clearly this is unhealthy thinking, so "be clean" makes the goals list quite easily. I didn't shower today but I did shower yesterday and I still feel clean.

7. Get up when I wake up:
My husband works nights and gets home around 8 or 9 am (he has to walk home). My boyfriend goes to work between 6 and 7 am. The older three kids get on the bus right around 7 am. This means My girlfriend gets up to help the kids get ready and puts them on the bus. She then stays up with the younger two kids who are both 4 to make sure they don't get into anything and to make them breakfast. My husband gets home and is wide awake so he lets her take a nap. I wake up around 11 am. I'm not sure if this goal is phrased correctly but my point is this: if I wake up naturally I should just get up. My girlfriend wouldn't be alone in the morning and I would be sleeping less. I oversleep when I am depressed AND too much sleeping can make me depressed (something I've learned over the years).

8. Drink water:
Between soda and tea and being too lazy to get up and get something to drink when I'm thirsty, I end up being quite dehydrated. Water is healthy, I want to be a well hydrated person. That being said, I am not banning soda or tea. I drink less soda than almost everyone else in the house, but tea isn't much better, particularly when you factor in that I drink sweet tea.

9. Be less lazy:
This one seems so easy to people who aren't as lazy or as used to being lazy as me. "Just do it" they will say... but you have to realize that I have been lazy for the greater part of 26 years. "Just do it" is just as much like saying "just stop smoking, today, cold turkey"... not so easy. What do I mean when I say lazy? OK, in the past week I have gotten myself something to eat 2 times TOTAL. I have gotten myself something to drink 1 time maybe 2. Things I have accomplished in the last 7 days: I washed the dogs with flea soap, I showered once or twice, I started a blog, I read two pages of a book, I wrote a budget, I hmm can't think of anything else besides watched TV. I mean that as literally as I can get across to you. Just do... is a habit, one that I don't have. I want to but my habits include "I can do it later" and "would you mind doing that for me?"... the cycle has to end somewhere. I honestly view this goal as the most difficult one to accomplish.

10. Do 1 nice thing for my spouses every day:
This goes along with the "person I want to be" idea. You may have noticed things in my house are a little more lopsided than they need to be. And yet they all still love me very much. I am nice to all of them every day and we talk through our problems. Overall we have a really good relationship. BUT I love them and I want to be the kind of wife and girlfriend that is sweet and kind to her spouses. So the goal is really this, I want to intentionally do something nice for each specific one of my significant others each day. The key word there: INTENTIONAL... that means if I say yes to something they ask me to do: doesn't count. If I just happen to have done something I know they like... i.e. brought my girlfriend's computer in the bedroom at the end of the night... just because I remembered to: doesn't count. It has to be something like: brushed my girlfriend's hair, made her something to eat without her asking, brought her a fresh coke, let her sleep in one morning. OR rubbed my boyfriend's back or feet after work, made him something to eat when he says he is hungry, made sure he has clean jeans for work the next day, get up with him in the morning just to see him off. OR make coffee one morning for my husband and have it hot when he gets home, turn on his favorite video game and hand him the controller without complaining (BTW grand theft auto's save options SUCK), rub my husbands feet after work, make time for his boring work stories with a smile... etc you get the idea.


Are my goals difficult? maybe you already do most of this... but yes they are a challenge for me. A challenge I want to overcome and one that I am going to try to accomplish.

Polyamorous!

This is TWO queen size beds. It works perfect for us!

I'm one of those people who believes in loving more than one person at a time. Right now I am in a relationship with two men and a woman. They must all know about each other by now because... we ALL sleep in the same bed.

Yup, and we fight over who gets the best pillow. For the most part the order we sleep in doesn't change, but my husband works nights so on his weekend he switches which side he sleeps on. That way he gets to sleep next to me one night and next to my girlfriend the second night. It works for us because my boyfriend likes to be right in the middle of us two girls at all times lol: on the couch, at dinner, and while we sleep.

A Formalish Introduction

Me: I'm Afton, your attentive narrator. You'll get to know me pretty well if you stick around. I'm an open book and I love being asked questions.

My Girlfriend: we'll just call her that, even though she and I are engaged. (I proposed :)) She has one of those cliche' "light up the room" smiles and red hair... you can infer that she's a little wild from that if you want. We have been together for a year this March. She moved from Kentucky to be with my husband and I. The start of the relationship was a complete whirlwind. There have been plenty of ups and downs because getting two bipolar women to live together in peace has its challenges but I can't imagine my life without her.

My Husband: this March will be 11 years together. We met when we were both 14 and have stayed together since then. We grew up in California and moved to Tennessee where we didn't know anyone about three years ago. Almost all our firsts are together.

My Boyfriend: we are eerily the same person... we like to say that but what that means is we think the same. I can usually tell what he is thinking about from just one glance at his face. When we first met it was highly addictive and also highly corrosive. We had to learn to tone it down because it was getting in the way of the relationship as a whole. Things are much more balanced now and we still have that connection, we just don't let it get in the way anymore.