Being Autonomous AND Why I Want To Get Married

Today I read an interesting article that had a lot of great points and insight referring to polyamory. It gave a better perspective to explain why I am polyamorous and why I chose the relationship I have right now.

I should begin by saying that I broke relationships to be in the relationship I am in today. I had a boyfriend. We'd been seeing each other for about two years and had moved through being just friends to something quite serious. I ended that relationship the wrong way. I'm eternally sorry for that. In all honesty I took that relationship for granted until it was too late to reverse things. I tried to make both relationships work and mistakes were made by all parties. Except my husband, who was very supportive of everyone while we sorted things out.

I miss him.

But in the end I chose to be with my current partners and our beautiful children. I don't even think I knew then for sure why I chose the way I did.

That's not polyamory! He had said to me when things were especially gritty.

You see, polyamory is this idea that you can happily be in more than one romantic relationship at a time. He was angry and confused about how I could call myself that and yet be cutting him out of the picture. There were no problems in our relationship.

So, let's get back to the article and what sparked my interest in writing this. The author of the other article was extremely proud of creating a life where she felt less oppressed by our culture and more of a free autonomous individual.

I don't feel oppressed. I exist in all my relationships as a free individual. I don't stay in any of my relationships out of a sense of dependency or obligation. If there is something in my relationship that doesn't thrill me to pieces... that's OK with me. Not everything in all of my relationships is going to be perfect. As an individual I choose to who I am with and I choose to respect the boundaries they have BECAUSE I care about their feelings and how my actions affect those feelings.

It is simple. If I want them to feel like they are treated well then I treat them well.

If my partner has anxiety or jealousy or just wants the relationship to be closed then I have to take that into consideration. How do I feel about that? Are those boundaries that I think I am capable of respecting? Will I eventually hurt this person or will this boundary cause the relationship to break apart? I weigh everything and I try to be as honest as I can be.

I do all that knowing that I am actively making these choices as a free individual.

When I married my now husband it was because I knew I wanted us to be together forever. I still want that and I am happy with how our life has happened and how getting married has affected us. I want that same kind of relationship with my current partners.

Ultimately I want to be a good partner. That is the decision I have made as an individual who could walk away if I wanted to. I don't want to. I am very happy with the life I am building and the people I am building it with. There are obstacles but I feel stronger with these people than I do without them. They support and love me. In the end that is priceless to me.

Polyamory hasn't rescued my relationship from a dying flame. Polyamory just became another part of my life. There became more people who care about me and who love me deeply.








Here's a link to the article I read about polyamory and how it makes people autonomous individuals: Polyamory Is Next and Im One Reason Why

Polygamy is Polyamory

In high school I loved to talk to my friends about legalizing gay marriage. I had a diverse group of friends and the set of opinions was split. Some of them even posed the question: but what's next if we legalize gay marriage? Are we gonna legalize polygamy too?

The word was said with so much disgust, you would think it was slathered in manure as it came out of their mouths. I remember the feeling I had agreeing with them that it would be a bad thing if polygamy was legalized. I also remember having no reason to agree with them. I just agreed because I didn't want my opinions on gay marriage invalidated by my opinions on polygamy...

Let's think about that logic for one second: (I'm gonna switch the word around on you) I didn't want my opinions on ham to invalidate my opinions on cheese. REALLY? I sincerely thought that having a separate opinion on polygamy invalidated my voice in the debate?

That time has now passed and my opinion on both remain the same. But what I honestly can't wrap my head around is this: Why do people who are for same sex marriage also oppose polygamy?

I don't normally take picture but this one is from
https://www.vice.com/read/after-gay-marriage-why-not-polygamy
and is an illustration by Alex Cook

Unfortunately I have the answers to that question.

Because standing behind polygamy will make it harder to legalize same sex unions.

I get this. I mean, it's a hard enough fight as it is without having one hand tied behind your back and people start slinging around accusations about WHAT'S next if we legalize this. Seriously though... society is not going to turn into cavemen without morals just because some of things that get legalized don't conform with the most conservative moral views. If we legalize polygamy, we are not talking about marrying off our underage daughters to their creepy pedophile uncles... that is rape. We are not asking for you to consider legalizing rape. And it is not going to lead to legalizing bestiality... because that is also RAPE. Children and animals will never be capable of consent and will therefore never be capable of being in a healthy romantic relationship. Yes, legalizing same sex marriage Will open the door to legalizing polygamy because polygamy involves consenting adults who are choosing to live a lifestyle with more than one committed individual. (I'll get to the definition of polygamy in a minute)

Because it is wrong.

Morality does not need to be regulated by the government. By that I do not mean that we should abandon all laws and devolve into an anarchist society. There have to be some rules but who gets harmed by allowing polygamy. We could bring up the sanctity of marriage but honestly I just don't think law is where marriage needs it's sanctity defended. If the people who bring this argument up really cared about the sanctity of marriage then they would defend it with their actions... meaning they would wait to have sex until marriage, they would wait to kiss the person they are going to marry, they would court the person they are interested in marrying, they would do all this because they would not be getting divorced, they would take their commitment seriously. Not doing so would make them a hypocrite. There is nothing wrong with being a hypocrite until you try to force your hypocrisy onto other people. I live as moral a life as I can manage for myself. I don't need the morality of hypocrites thrust upon me under the guise of sanctity.

Many, if not all, of you know that I am polyamorous. So, why am I spouting on about some Mormon cult activity? I'm not. There is this misnomer that there is a difference between polygamy and polyamory. I guess there is but it isn't religion.

Polyamory means

1. the philosophy or state of being in love or romantically involved with more than one person at the same time.

Polygamy means:
    the practice or custom of having more than one wife or husband at the same time.

Most people aren't even aware that Fundamentalist Mormons actually practice polygyny, which is a form of polygamy... and most people are not aware that polygamy is a form of polyamory. There are many forms of polyamory. But I'm going to focus on this one because of all the stigma surrounding it.

Even polyamorous people hate mixing the terms but the fact remains... if we want equal rights, we have to acknowledge the terminology. Polygamy is polyamory. 

It's worth mentioning that not all polyamorous people want to marry more than one person and also that I am open to debate and conversation on this topic.