I should begin by saying that I broke relationships to be in the relationship I am in today. I had a boyfriend. We'd been seeing each other for about two years and had moved through being just friends to something quite serious. I ended that relationship the wrong way. I'm eternally sorry for that. In all honesty I took that relationship for granted until it was too late to reverse things. I tried to make both relationships work and mistakes were made by all parties. Except my husband, who was very supportive of everyone while we sorted things out.
I miss him.
But in the end I chose to be with my current partners and our beautiful children. I don't even think I knew then for sure why I chose the way I did.
That's not polyamory! He had said to me when things were especially gritty.
You see, polyamory is this idea that you can happily be in more than one romantic relationship at a time. He was angry and confused about how I could call myself that and yet be cutting him out of the picture. There were no problems in our relationship.
So, let's get back to the article and what sparked my interest in writing this. The author of the other article was extremely proud of creating a life where she felt less oppressed by our culture and more of a free autonomous individual.
I don't feel oppressed. I exist in all my relationships as a free individual. I don't stay in any of my relationships out of a sense of dependency or obligation. If there is something in my relationship that doesn't thrill me to pieces... that's OK with me. Not everything in all of my relationships is going to be perfect. As an individual I choose to who I am with and I choose to respect the boundaries they have BECAUSE I care about their feelings and how my actions affect those feelings.
It is simple. If I want them to feel like they are treated well then I treat them well.
If my partner has anxiety or jealousy or just wants the relationship to be closed then I have to take that into consideration. How do I feel about that? Are those boundaries that I think I am capable of respecting? Will I eventually hurt this person or will this boundary cause the relationship to break apart? I weigh everything and I try to be as honest as I can be.
I do all that knowing that I am actively making these choices as a free individual.
When I married my now husband it was because I knew I wanted us to be together forever. I still want that and I am happy with how our life has happened and how getting married has affected us. I want that same kind of relationship with my current partners.
Ultimately I want to be a good partner. That is the decision I have made as an individual who could walk away if I wanted to. I don't want to. I am very happy with the life I am building and the people I am building it with. There are obstacles but I feel stronger with these people than I do without them. They support and love me. In the end that is priceless to me.
Polyamory hasn't rescued my relationship from a dying flame. Polyamory just became another part of my life. There became more people who care about me and who love me deeply.
Here's a link to the article I read about polyamory and how it makes people autonomous individuals: Polyamory Is Next and Im One Reason Why