Legal Same-Sex Marriage Affects Poly

This morning I was asleep in my bed. My girlfriend came running in and jumped on the bed next to me...

"Will you marry me?" she said.

"I already said I would." I'm a grumpy morning person. I turned away from her snuggling into my pillow. "Why?" I added peaking out from my pillow.

"Because it's legal now."

That is how I found out about today's decision. Not from Facebook or the news and not from talking to anyone. I was proposed to and I imagine that I'm not the only person who received a proposal on this historic day. There are thousands of couples who are celebrating today with reckless abandon and they should be.

But I am not one of them.

Don't get me wrong I am profoundly proud of our nation today for having made it this far but they left me here in the dust joking with my girlfriend about something that should be so meaningful. Joking about one of the most romantic things that happen in a relationship.

Do I feel free today? No, I don't.

When one of my partners goes to the hospital we have to trick the nursing staff into letting us all go back and it doesn't always work. The same is true for when my children go to the hospital. We usually just pick two parents to take them because it's a struggle to sit in the waiting room alone when all you want to do is hold your child. We are forced to explain ourselves everywhere we go if we want to be understood or accepted. And you know what, we're very lucky. We have encountered acceptance almost everywhere. People see us and how normal we are. Nobody has thrown anything at us. I call that a win, but like many gay couples... I want it to be official. I want the rights to my spouses that come along with committing my life to them and I want to know that when I am gone, my afterlife is in the hands of the people I chose.

That stuff matters to me, and I hate that it is up to anyone else how formal or official or legitimate my relationships are. So, yes LGBTQ won today and I have fought for that for the last decade but oppression is still very present in the united states today.

I don't mean for this to sound so angsty. I'm not feeling like a sullen brat today. I just want to remind everyone that the fight is far from over. One huge obstacle was conquered today and there are more ahead but I have every confidence the path has been cleared.

On a lighter note my girlfriend and think it would be fun to get divorced and marry each other... or get divorced every decade and swap who we are legally married to. Part of me considers it an option but should we have to sacrifice in that way? wouldn't it just be simpler to accept us and move on? Our relationship isn't gonna go away.

Even the right wing people feel like polygamy is next. LESS THAN 5 YEARS some people think and I am so ready. *spoilers* we're not waiting until it's legalized...

https://twitter.com/MZHemingway/status/614441132295081984
http://mediamatters.org/research/2015/06/26/right-wing-media-respond-to-nationwide-marriage/204166

Polygamy is Polyamory

In high school I loved to talk to my friends about legalizing gay marriage. I had a diverse group of friends and the set of opinions was split. Some of them even posed the question: but what's next if we legalize gay marriage? Are we gonna legalize polygamy too?

The word was said with so much disgust, you would think it was slathered in manure as it came out of their mouths. I remember the feeling I had agreeing with them that it would be a bad thing if polygamy was legalized. I also remember having no reason to agree with them. I just agreed because I didn't want my opinions on gay marriage invalidated by my opinions on polygamy...

Let's think about that logic for one second: (I'm gonna switch the word around on you) I didn't want my opinions on ham to invalidate my opinions on cheese. REALLY? I sincerely thought that having a separate opinion on polygamy invalidated my voice in the debate?

That time has now passed and my opinion on both remain the same. But what I honestly can't wrap my head around is this: Why do people who are for same sex marriage also oppose polygamy?

I don't normally take picture but this one is from
https://www.vice.com/read/after-gay-marriage-why-not-polygamy
and is an illustration by Alex Cook

Unfortunately I have the answers to that question.

Because standing behind polygamy will make it harder to legalize same sex unions.

I get this. I mean, it's a hard enough fight as it is without having one hand tied behind your back and people start slinging around accusations about WHAT'S next if we legalize this. Seriously though... society is not going to turn into cavemen without morals just because some of things that get legalized don't conform with the most conservative moral views. If we legalize polygamy, we are not talking about marrying off our underage daughters to their creepy pedophile uncles... that is rape. We are not asking for you to consider legalizing rape. And it is not going to lead to legalizing bestiality... because that is also RAPE. Children and animals will never be capable of consent and will therefore never be capable of being in a healthy romantic relationship. Yes, legalizing same sex marriage Will open the door to legalizing polygamy because polygamy involves consenting adults who are choosing to live a lifestyle with more than one committed individual. (I'll get to the definition of polygamy in a minute)

Because it is wrong.

Morality does not need to be regulated by the government. By that I do not mean that we should abandon all laws and devolve into an anarchist society. There have to be some rules but who gets harmed by allowing polygamy. We could bring up the sanctity of marriage but honestly I just don't think law is where marriage needs it's sanctity defended. If the people who bring this argument up really cared about the sanctity of marriage then they would defend it with their actions... meaning they would wait to have sex until marriage, they would wait to kiss the person they are going to marry, they would court the person they are interested in marrying, they would do all this because they would not be getting divorced, they would take their commitment seriously. Not doing so would make them a hypocrite. There is nothing wrong with being a hypocrite until you try to force your hypocrisy onto other people. I live as moral a life as I can manage for myself. I don't need the morality of hypocrites thrust upon me under the guise of sanctity.

Many, if not all, of you know that I am polyamorous. So, why am I spouting on about some Mormon cult activity? I'm not. There is this misnomer that there is a difference between polygamy and polyamory. I guess there is but it isn't religion.

Polyamory means

1. the philosophy or state of being in love or romantically involved with more than one person at the same time.

Polygamy means:
    the practice or custom of having more than one wife or husband at the same time.

Most people aren't even aware that Fundamentalist Mormons actually practice polygyny, which is a form of polygamy... and most people are not aware that polygamy is a form of polyamory. There are many forms of polyamory. But I'm going to focus on this one because of all the stigma surrounding it.

Even polyamorous people hate mixing the terms but the fact remains... if we want equal rights, we have to acknowledge the terminology. Polygamy is polyamory. 

It's worth mentioning that not all polyamorous people want to marry more than one person and also that I am open to debate and conversation on this topic.

Jealousy in a Polyamorous Household

I'm not gonna tell you there's no jealousy. I'd be a big fat liar. There aren't just jealousies... there are lots of different kind of jealousies that happen over the course of any single day, and when you think they are settled they crop up the next day or the next week or the next month.

Two people go to the store. You decide to wait in the car with the child because they severely needed a nap three hours ago and have been a little snot through the whole shopping trip to ten grocery stores. Next time you think: I'm not taking any of the kids... but you do because you still have to teach them about life and you love them.

So, you're sitting there with a six year old bouncing on the backseat out of boredom and the evil in your own brain starts telling you that they went into the store without you ON PURPOSE. Are happier without you around. I can see them through the window of the store in line at the register GIGGLING! They ARE happier without me. Now is the time that you might get mad or even cry.

But then they get back in the car and they tell you this story about the little kid behind them in the grocery line who was saying the most adorable things... the funniest thing happens then... you find that you are now also laughing. You are laughing with them and they were just in there enjoying life. Had NOTHING to do with you being in the car.

Two people are talking in the bed next to you while you are trying to fall asleep because you are just exhausted. They laugh and go on with their conversation. Why aren't they including you? Why aren't they talking to you? Why aren't they going to sleep with you? Again, this is when that monster in your head starts to make you mad or even starts to make you cry. But the truth is (and you know this truth somewhere deep down when you are jealous) they just aren't tired yet and they are awake together... obviously they like each other enough to sleep in the same bed so they are gonna talk. They would be talking to you too and maybe they even WANT to in that moment but they love you and you told them you couldn't keep your eyes open for one more minute... besides... Why aren't you talking to them? Are you happier not talking to them? (Oh yes, that thought totally has gone through my head when my girlfriend doesn't partake in the conversation. But I have been on both sides of this)

 There are even jealousies for me when it comes to the kids cuddling after nap time. Why doesn't he ever hold my hand when we cross the road? How come she didn't want to go with ME to the store?
Isn't it my turn to sit next to him at the dinner table? When is she gonna ask me to tuck her into bed? BUT I remind myself that we let the children make their own relationship decisions. If our son doesn't want to sit with me at dinner for a whole month, we don't make a thing out of it. All we ask is respect for each parent.

All these damaging thoughts rattle through our brains and we say nothing about it because why would you want to ruin a beautiful moment between two people you love so much? In fact, we wouldn't want to. But sometimes it is more damaging not to talk about it. People need to know that you are hurting... so they can give you extra snuggles... right? Right.

Like everything else that bothers you in a relationship, it must be talked about. Those conversations are hard but necessary. If you are having a negative feeling, chances are good that it was unintentional and that your partners can help make it feel better.

I think it's especially hilarious when people think that poly relationships don't contain jealousy... because it is just the farthest thing from the truth. Jealousy stems from insecurities and uncertainty and we ALL have those things. The important thing to remember is that almost anything can be worked out. Emphasis on the word WORK because it take a ton of work most of the time and usually more than one person needs to be doing that work to make a relationship flourish.

We have jealousy, it's just another part of life. We're just comfortable dealing with it instead of making it a deal breaker.