Being Autonomous AND Why I Want To Get Married

Today I read an interesting article that had a lot of great points and insight referring to polyamory. It gave a better perspective to explain why I am polyamorous and why I chose the relationship I have right now.

I should begin by saying that I broke relationships to be in the relationship I am in today. I had a boyfriend. We'd been seeing each other for about two years and had moved through being just friends to something quite serious. I ended that relationship the wrong way. I'm eternally sorry for that. In all honesty I took that relationship for granted until it was too late to reverse things. I tried to make both relationships work and mistakes were made by all parties. Except my husband, who was very supportive of everyone while we sorted things out.

I miss him.

But in the end I chose to be with my current partners and our beautiful children. I don't even think I knew then for sure why I chose the way I did.

That's not polyamory! He had said to me when things were especially gritty.

You see, polyamory is this idea that you can happily be in more than one romantic relationship at a time. He was angry and confused about how I could call myself that and yet be cutting him out of the picture. There were no problems in our relationship.

So, let's get back to the article and what sparked my interest in writing this. The author of the other article was extremely proud of creating a life where she felt less oppressed by our culture and more of a free autonomous individual.

I don't feel oppressed. I exist in all my relationships as a free individual. I don't stay in any of my relationships out of a sense of dependency or obligation. If there is something in my relationship that doesn't thrill me to pieces... that's OK with me. Not everything in all of my relationships is going to be perfect. As an individual I choose to who I am with and I choose to respect the boundaries they have BECAUSE I care about their feelings and how my actions affect those feelings.

It is simple. If I want them to feel like they are treated well then I treat them well.

If my partner has anxiety or jealousy or just wants the relationship to be closed then I have to take that into consideration. How do I feel about that? Are those boundaries that I think I am capable of respecting? Will I eventually hurt this person or will this boundary cause the relationship to break apart? I weigh everything and I try to be as honest as I can be.

I do all that knowing that I am actively making these choices as a free individual.

When I married my now husband it was because I knew I wanted us to be together forever. I still want that and I am happy with how our life has happened and how getting married has affected us. I want that same kind of relationship with my current partners.

Ultimately I want to be a good partner. That is the decision I have made as an individual who could walk away if I wanted to. I don't want to. I am very happy with the life I am building and the people I am building it with. There are obstacles but I feel stronger with these people than I do without them. They support and love me. In the end that is priceless to me.

Polyamory hasn't rescued my relationship from a dying flame. Polyamory just became another part of my life. There became more people who care about me and who love me deeply.








Here's a link to the article I read about polyamory and how it makes people autonomous individuals: Polyamory Is Next and Im One Reason Why

Jealousy in a Polyamorous Household

I'm not gonna tell you there's no jealousy. I'd be a big fat liar. There aren't just jealousies... there are lots of different kind of jealousies that happen over the course of any single day, and when you think they are settled they crop up the next day or the next week or the next month.

Two people go to the store. You decide to wait in the car with the child because they severely needed a nap three hours ago and have been a little snot through the whole shopping trip to ten grocery stores. Next time you think: I'm not taking any of the kids... but you do because you still have to teach them about life and you love them.

So, you're sitting there with a six year old bouncing on the backseat out of boredom and the evil in your own brain starts telling you that they went into the store without you ON PURPOSE. Are happier without you around. I can see them through the window of the store in line at the register GIGGLING! They ARE happier without me. Now is the time that you might get mad or even cry.

But then they get back in the car and they tell you this story about the little kid behind them in the grocery line who was saying the most adorable things... the funniest thing happens then... you find that you are now also laughing. You are laughing with them and they were just in there enjoying life. Had NOTHING to do with you being in the car.

Two people are talking in the bed next to you while you are trying to fall asleep because you are just exhausted. They laugh and go on with their conversation. Why aren't they including you? Why aren't they talking to you? Why aren't they going to sleep with you? Again, this is when that monster in your head starts to make you mad or even starts to make you cry. But the truth is (and you know this truth somewhere deep down when you are jealous) they just aren't tired yet and they are awake together... obviously they like each other enough to sleep in the same bed so they are gonna talk. They would be talking to you too and maybe they even WANT to in that moment but they love you and you told them you couldn't keep your eyes open for one more minute... besides... Why aren't you talking to them? Are you happier not talking to them? (Oh yes, that thought totally has gone through my head when my girlfriend doesn't partake in the conversation. But I have been on both sides of this)

 There are even jealousies for me when it comes to the kids cuddling after nap time. Why doesn't he ever hold my hand when we cross the road? How come she didn't want to go with ME to the store?
Isn't it my turn to sit next to him at the dinner table? When is she gonna ask me to tuck her into bed? BUT I remind myself that we let the children make their own relationship decisions. If our son doesn't want to sit with me at dinner for a whole month, we don't make a thing out of it. All we ask is respect for each parent.

All these damaging thoughts rattle through our brains and we say nothing about it because why would you want to ruin a beautiful moment between two people you love so much? In fact, we wouldn't want to. But sometimes it is more damaging not to talk about it. People need to know that you are hurting... so they can give you extra snuggles... right? Right.

Like everything else that bothers you in a relationship, it must be talked about. Those conversations are hard but necessary. If you are having a negative feeling, chances are good that it was unintentional and that your partners can help make it feel better.

I think it's especially hilarious when people think that poly relationships don't contain jealousy... because it is just the farthest thing from the truth. Jealousy stems from insecurities and uncertainty and we ALL have those things. The important thing to remember is that almost anything can be worked out. Emphasis on the word WORK because it take a ton of work most of the time and usually more than one person needs to be doing that work to make a relationship flourish.

We have jealousy, it's just another part of life. We're just comfortable dealing with it instead of making it a deal breaker.