Black Lives Matter but I Am Not Insignificant.

I have something to add to the widespread conversation about the Black lives matter movement. It's a side of the story that I have not read about anywhere. So, I'll take on the challenge of writing it for all the other people in a similar situation as myself. There are links in this article to important contributions in this conversation. They are highlighted red and I urge you to click on them for a better picture of what this is about.

Black lives do matter. I commend the black community for trying to break the biases that are still present in our nation and the world. Being racist should be uncomfortable. <click on this link if you want to understand more about white privilege and the racial bias. White privilege is a thing and does happen. Black people face an uphill climb in today's world. Just because the civil right's movement is over does not mean that things are all done changing. People who commit crimes should face justice... that includes the police, that includes black people, that includes white people.

All lives matter. I understand why supporters of the Black live matter movement feel like that phrase is not the point of the conversation. Honestly the phrase has more of an impact in the pro-life/pro-choice debate, but there is a point to be made there. Not all black people are criminals, not all police target black people, not all white people are racist... All lives matter because we are all individuals connected to each other by the common bond of being human with red blood running through our veins. Humans matter, and right now black humans are asking us all to hear their voices. We should listen. We should listen without making them feel like whinny babies crying over spilled milk. All lives matter but it does not give you an excuse to ignore the injustice or pretend like it doesn't exist.

That being said I don't know if I have personally experienced white privilege myself. I'm white. I'm sure some of you are thinking "Of course you have experienced it. You are white therefore white privilege." But there is more to it than that.

White is not the only thing about me that people see. I may walk into every door as a white person but I walk out with so many more judgments than that.

As a person who falls into several minorities I find it difficult to get a job, be looked at with respect in the eyes of society, be taken seriously, find housing, choose where I live, and many more that cannot be explained in list format like this.

I am suspicious in the eyes of the police. I live in a small town in Tennessee. The police patrolled my street once a week for a year after I moved in. Why did they stop? My husband got a job at a gas station where he now know all the cops in our town by name and they know him. One even gave him a ride home from work when he would have had to walk.

It is illegal for my family to live in many states. It is also illegal for my family to live in many cities. I have been turned down by rental companies and/or specific home owners because I lived as an unconventional family. One of my neighbors put a letter in my mailbox that said it was illegal in our housing code for more than one family to live in the same house.

When I am in public I face people openly disgusted. A woman left the restaurant because she said she "didn't want her son exposed to that" because I kissed the cheek of more than one of my partners. When I go to a store there is pointing and staring if I hold the hand of two men at the same time.

I don't have any morals because I don't believe in God. I must be overcome by the control of Satan.

If I walk into a store that is visibly above my pay grade or below my clothing size range then the employees and customers look at me puzzled as to why I am in there. I've been followed around a store to prevent me from stealing something. Someone left the short line and went over to a longer line in the grocery store because I was in front of them.

My list of minorities that entitle me to nothing more than the underprivileged list and an automatic suspect in the eyes of police: I am an atheist. I practice witchcraft. I am poor, considered to be in poverty. I am fat. I have more than one spouse. I have more than the society accepted number of children. Some of my children were not birthed by me. One of my partners is a woman, sometimes people classify me as a lesbian. I am a bisexual. LGBTQIA excludes me out of fear. I have a mental health disorder that some people don't believe exists, or needs medication.

So, you see, when I walk into a store, a school, a job, a job interview I have a choice to make... Hide everything about who I am or accept that I may be discriminated against based on being me.

Some of you think I should choose the latter, stay closeted, "it's none of their business", "you don't have to shove it in people's faces", I should try to keep people comfortable around me by not telling them.

...but let me ask you this: would you ever tell a black person that in order to avoid encountering racism, discrimination etc. that they should wear makeup to make themselves appear white?

Most Christians make me uncomfortable because the automatically assume that I am. I don't ask them to remove their crosses because I don't want it shoved in my face.

Why should I accept that the health department won't talk to my son's other mother about the shots he will be getting? Why should I accept that they ignore her when she tells them about how he is eating or some of the concerns she has about his development? When I stay in the closet I have to force her voice to be muted in all of his care.

So why do I have to pretend to believe in Jesus, say that I only love my husband, answer the "how many kids do you have" question with a smaller untrue number, hear people tell me that my sexuality doesn't exist or is a phase, tolerate a world where the most searched for phrase connected with "poor people should ___" is "poor people should die", walk into a store that only sells small sizes and be looked at with disgust, be paid less than a man because of my sex, watch people leave a restaurant saying "I don't want my child exposed to that" and point at me. Why do I have to thank people who give me unsolicited health and weight loss tips or information.

I don't know if I experience white privilege because I face a massive set of predetermined biases already.

Black lives matter.

I am not racist, not even sometimes, and I support the message behind the movement. I do not support the violence. The black community should continue to stand up and make themselves heard, but they have to acknowledge that they are not alone. There are so many communities and individuals that are struggling too. Communities that face unjust laws, violence because of hate, and media disapproval.

I want people, white and black, to stop making me feel like the discrimination I face is insignificant on the basis that I am white.

Jealousy in a Polyamorous Household

I'm not gonna tell you there's no jealousy. I'd be a big fat liar. There aren't just jealousies... there are lots of different kind of jealousies that happen over the course of any single day, and when you think they are settled they crop up the next day or the next week or the next month.

Two people go to the store. You decide to wait in the car with the child because they severely needed a nap three hours ago and have been a little snot through the whole shopping trip to ten grocery stores. Next time you think: I'm not taking any of the kids... but you do because you still have to teach them about life and you love them.

So, you're sitting there with a six year old bouncing on the backseat out of boredom and the evil in your own brain starts telling you that they went into the store without you ON PURPOSE. Are happier without you around. I can see them through the window of the store in line at the register GIGGLING! They ARE happier without me. Now is the time that you might get mad or even cry.

But then they get back in the car and they tell you this story about the little kid behind them in the grocery line who was saying the most adorable things... the funniest thing happens then... you find that you are now also laughing. You are laughing with them and they were just in there enjoying life. Had NOTHING to do with you being in the car.

Two people are talking in the bed next to you while you are trying to fall asleep because you are just exhausted. They laugh and go on with their conversation. Why aren't they including you? Why aren't they talking to you? Why aren't they going to sleep with you? Again, this is when that monster in your head starts to make you mad or even starts to make you cry. But the truth is (and you know this truth somewhere deep down when you are jealous) they just aren't tired yet and they are awake together... obviously they like each other enough to sleep in the same bed so they are gonna talk. They would be talking to you too and maybe they even WANT to in that moment but they love you and you told them you couldn't keep your eyes open for one more minute... besides... Why aren't you talking to them? Are you happier not talking to them? (Oh yes, that thought totally has gone through my head when my girlfriend doesn't partake in the conversation. But I have been on both sides of this)

 There are even jealousies for me when it comes to the kids cuddling after nap time. Why doesn't he ever hold my hand when we cross the road? How come she didn't want to go with ME to the store?
Isn't it my turn to sit next to him at the dinner table? When is she gonna ask me to tuck her into bed? BUT I remind myself that we let the children make their own relationship decisions. If our son doesn't want to sit with me at dinner for a whole month, we don't make a thing out of it. All we ask is respect for each parent.

All these damaging thoughts rattle through our brains and we say nothing about it because why would you want to ruin a beautiful moment between two people you love so much? In fact, we wouldn't want to. But sometimes it is more damaging not to talk about it. People need to know that you are hurting... so they can give you extra snuggles... right? Right.

Like everything else that bothers you in a relationship, it must be talked about. Those conversations are hard but necessary. If you are having a negative feeling, chances are good that it was unintentional and that your partners can help make it feel better.

I think it's especially hilarious when people think that poly relationships don't contain jealousy... because it is just the farthest thing from the truth. Jealousy stems from insecurities and uncertainty and we ALL have those things. The important thing to remember is that almost anything can be worked out. Emphasis on the word WORK because it take a ton of work most of the time and usually more than one person needs to be doing that work to make a relationship flourish.

We have jealousy, it's just another part of life. We're just comfortable dealing with it instead of making it a deal breaker.

Week 1!!!

   I made it a whole week! Actually I'm not that excited. I could literally list the "new life" phases I've made it through for a week.

Diet: no carbs, counting calories, burn more calories than you take in, eat specific foods to trick your metabolism, eat so few calories that I'm almost starving.... hmm I think that's all of them.

Exercise plan: walk every day, do yoga every day (I love yoga. I should write a fat girl yoga post), stretch every day, do 50 sit-ups before bed...

The list goes on. Fact of the matter is I ALWAYS make it the first week. And then the second week comes and I start thinking "I'm happy, I don't need to keep going." But there's something different about this. There's something better about this.

So celebrate with me when I make it to week 2 and week 3 and OMG month 1! which I intend to make it to.

Day 7 Which was yesterday, yes I skipped writing... I really didn't think anyone would notice ;)

My Boyfriend <3

                                                                                                                                       We touched up our hair. Mine and my girlfriend's color were still not as full as we wanted. After all was done, it took 3 boxes each to do our hair.

My Girlfriend <3
If she ain't happy, nobodies is happy.

Then I bleached and dyed my boyfriend's hair orange. His job is less constrictive than my husband's who will be keeping his hair normal brown.

Later in the afternoon there was a doctor's appointment for the terrible burn my girlfriend got on her stomach while frying chicken.

I never went outside and I probably slept too long. I'm trying not to harp on my failures because it is really counterproductive. I wake up in the morning and I start over. I've stayed really clean which feels good because showering is something I have struggled with for my entire life. I'm sure I lost potential friends because of it. Being the smelly kid sucks... feeling like nobody in my family cares if I shower or not sucks worse. But that was yesteryear.

Dwelling on the failures of yesterday can keep you in the cycle of failure. It's just a really bad idea. For instance: I slept in till 3pm today. Why? because I have a bladder infection... but sleeping that long is really bad for my personal mental health. I know this as fact. BUT tomorrow when I wake up I'm not gonna say "I already failed at getting up so no point in trying today."

Going outside is becoming the most difficult of my goals. I thought TV would have been harder but for whatever reason it's the whole stepping out the door thing. My hope is that I don't because it's too cold... excuses being something I don't want to find as obstacles, I really need to solve this problem. I have been consistently getting dressed every day but not going outside.

IDEA: (let me know what you think about this)
I will take a picture of outside every day for the next week and post it for you all to see. Accountability might very well be the key! I shall begin tomorrow.

Day 4 In-laws, Ice, and homelessness

I never did get around to writing about day 4 on the right day. I succeeded mostly... slept in late and hung out in my pajamas but I got the bathroom vanity cleaned and folded some laundry. When I did get dressed it was to go outside which was really nice. There isn't much wind in Tennessee in the winter (not compared to California anyway) and without windchill the cold isn't so bad for a short period of time.

Photo from ABC News website of where my mother-in-law lives.

We are having some severe ice problems right now in Tennessee and my husbands mom has no power, so she and her boyfriend came over last night. His birthday was a few days ago so we made him a cake and they spent the night. At least they were safe, some others haven't been so fortunate. The winter related death toll in Tennessee. These stories make me grateful we convinced them to come over because they resisted. It is supposed to get even colder tonight and there are so many people without power right now. There are shelters open and the police will take you to a shelter if you don't have power and need to get someplace warm.

Our family is safe and warm, our power is on and school is out until further notice... actually they might have school tomorrow but I doubt it. 

I did come up with a routine for my goals but given the nature of this post, I'm just gonna put that on the day 5 post which I will be writing later today. 

Stay safe and stay warm and be kind to each other. I had a chance to Skype with my mom yesterday and she told me about her day. She and her girlfriend made 40 sack lunches complete with sandwich, apple, and juice and took them down where the homeless people hang out (under a bridge to shelter themselves from the blizzard). My mom said they ran out. She also said it was very emotional. 

My dad raised me never to donate anything. He is one of those people that just doesn't do that. We were never rich so not giving a dollar wasn't really the same as being cruel because we needed that dollar but as I grew up it made me uncomfortable to have that stance on the subject. I understand my dad's point of view. He wants to make sure his family is taken care of first... but there are some people who don't have anyone looking out for them. And while I know there are bums who will take your money and buy drugs or alcohol with it... being kind is still good for your soul. Give food. Give clothes. Give shower vouchers from local truck stops (because letting a stranger into your home really isn't always safe) but do something. Helping ONE person is better than helping nobody. Help in ways that make you comfortable.

The video below is inspiring... but mostly it just reaffirms that not everyone who is homeless hit rock bottom with addiction. Sometimes life just sucks and there's no way to dig yourself out of some holes. 

Wherever you stand on this issue, I hope you at least watched the video. People claimed it was a hoax but it isn't and even if it really is a "hoax" I'd consider it more of a dramatization to bring awareness to a major problem. Two years ago I had almost backed myself into a similar situation. We had to move out of our house because the landlord was selling it... we got rejected for renting another place because we couldn't pass a credit check. We were running out of time fast, had two weeks to get into a new place. Luckily we had enough money to pay for rent and deposit. If not, I don't know what we would have done. It actually came up that we might have to move into my husband's dad's motor home if we couldn't find a place. 

The situation we were in could have ended a lot differently. Living on the poverty line has a profound effect on planning ahead... it becomes almost impossible to foresee all the little complications. Now, we are on our feet just fine. One advantage of being a polyamorous household is having a two family income. 

Day 2 Why Change at All?

Baskets of clean laundry (thank you girlfriend) just waiting to be put away... 

Last night I was laying in bed thinking, "I'm happy... why was I trying to change again?"

This is the way that I sabotage myself almost any time I try to do something new for myself... like diet ;) but I checked my blog this morning and there it was. Somebody telling me my goals were good and attainable! which lead me to ask myself, "Why not keep going?"

So, it's the morning of day 2 and I am dressed.

I want to explain the purpose of my specific goals and my plan of execution for some of them (because I don't have a plan for all of them yet)...

First off, my goals are not listed in order of priority.

GOALS!
1. Go outside more often:
On an average day I spend zero time outside. In fact the time I do occasionally spend outside is spent walking out to the jeep when we have to go somewhere... not exactly what I would call a nature walk.

2. Watch less TV:
What did you think I was doing with all that inside time? That's right, sitting on the couch for between 10 and 12 hours a day watching TV. Yesterday I decided that watching pointless YouTube videos and patrolling Facebook are the same as vegging out in front of the TV.

3. Write:
I do not have a job. I stay at home with my girlfriend all day watching five of our seven kids and growing the seventh. I am certified as a nurse aide and spent about two years working in a nursing home but it isn't my calling. What I want to be is an author, preferably of fiction, preferably one that gets paid. BUT alas I don't write. I sent no time writing in the last year and you just cannot be a writer if you don't write. (To be fair, last year I did right a particularly saucy blog anonymously but it only really lasted about six months.)

4. Get dressed every day:
As a primarily indoor person who watches TV all day there isn't much need for being dressed, so I skipped it altogether unless I had to go somewhere. On top of that, I don't actually have friends who I see on any sort of regular basis, and no family in the area. I hang around in whatever I slept in until it gets wet from a spill or I start to feel gross (Which is quite rare for me).

5. Clean the house:
What amount of cleaning gets done in tandem with the sitting on the couch watching TV...?
You guessed it, none. My girlfriend does the laundry and 80% of the cooking. My husband, my boyfriend, and my father in law try to keep the dishes done and take the trash out. I did mention there are 5 kids currently in the house... it can get pretty messy. No one person keeps our house pristine, so nobody gets mad at me for not helping. It doesn't create tension in the house. Plus, I manage the house's budget which has its own stress and has become my role. BUT as the person I want to become... cleaning the house is just part of it.

6. Be clean:
You don't even want to know the truth.
Longest time I have gone without showering: 1 month
Average time I go without showering: 1 week
Showering/bathing never became one of my habits. As a child, I wasn't expected to bathe... and then as an adult I just haven't taken the initiative to take care of myself. The smell? I don't notice it. My hair? A ponytail or bun can hide a lot when you aren't going anywhere anyway. I didn't shower before or after work most days. Sweat doesn't make me want to shower. Sex doesn't make me want to shower. Clearly this is unhealthy thinking, so "be clean" makes the goals list quite easily. I didn't shower today but I did shower yesterday and I still feel clean.

7. Get up when I wake up:
My husband works nights and gets home around 8 or 9 am (he has to walk home). My boyfriend goes to work between 6 and 7 am. The older three kids get on the bus right around 7 am. This means My girlfriend gets up to help the kids get ready and puts them on the bus. She then stays up with the younger two kids who are both 4 to make sure they don't get into anything and to make them breakfast. My husband gets home and is wide awake so he lets her take a nap. I wake up around 11 am. I'm not sure if this goal is phrased correctly but my point is this: if I wake up naturally I should just get up. My girlfriend wouldn't be alone in the morning and I would be sleeping less. I oversleep when I am depressed AND too much sleeping can make me depressed (something I've learned over the years).

8. Drink water:
Between soda and tea and being too lazy to get up and get something to drink when I'm thirsty, I end up being quite dehydrated. Water is healthy, I want to be a well hydrated person. That being said, I am not banning soda or tea. I drink less soda than almost everyone else in the house, but tea isn't much better, particularly when you factor in that I drink sweet tea.

9. Be less lazy:
This one seems so easy to people who aren't as lazy or as used to being lazy as me. "Just do it" they will say... but you have to realize that I have been lazy for the greater part of 26 years. "Just do it" is just as much like saying "just stop smoking, today, cold turkey"... not so easy. What do I mean when I say lazy? OK, in the past week I have gotten myself something to eat 2 times TOTAL. I have gotten myself something to drink 1 time maybe 2. Things I have accomplished in the last 7 days: I washed the dogs with flea soap, I showered once or twice, I started a blog, I read two pages of a book, I wrote a budget, I hmm can't think of anything else besides watched TV. I mean that as literally as I can get across to you. Just do... is a habit, one that I don't have. I want to but my habits include "I can do it later" and "would you mind doing that for me?"... the cycle has to end somewhere. I honestly view this goal as the most difficult one to accomplish.

10. Do 1 nice thing for my spouses every day:
This goes along with the "person I want to be" idea. You may have noticed things in my house are a little more lopsided than they need to be. And yet they all still love me very much. I am nice to all of them every day and we talk through our problems. Overall we have a really good relationship. BUT I love them and I want to be the kind of wife and girlfriend that is sweet and kind to her spouses. So the goal is really this, I want to intentionally do something nice for each specific one of my significant others each day. The key word there: INTENTIONAL... that means if I say yes to something they ask me to do: doesn't count. If I just happen to have done something I know they like... i.e. brought my girlfriend's computer in the bedroom at the end of the night... just because I remembered to: doesn't count. It has to be something like: brushed my girlfriend's hair, made her something to eat without her asking, brought her a fresh coke, let her sleep in one morning. OR rubbed my boyfriend's back or feet after work, made him something to eat when he says he is hungry, made sure he has clean jeans for work the next day, get up with him in the morning just to see him off. OR make coffee one morning for my husband and have it hot when he gets home, turn on his favorite video game and hand him the controller without complaining (BTW grand theft auto's save options SUCK), rub my husbands feet after work, make time for his boring work stories with a smile... etc you get the idea.


Are my goals difficult? maybe you already do most of this... but yes they are a challenge for me. A challenge I want to overcome and one that I am going to try to accomplish.