Dream Killers

I've hit this wall in my transformation... I don't really feel like I'm backsliding but even as I write that I have to question my evaluation... I haven't showered in a week. I forget, and I don't think about it... time passes sometimes without ever having been noticed. Maybe we invented clocks because without them time blurs together...

THE WALL
So, I've done pretty well I think with most of my goals but there's this wall. I'm getting depressed and bored. That was never my intention to begin with. Was I happier zoning out of the world and living out fantasies of life in my mind? Could that be true? I really don't think so. Why am I unhappy? Why am I bored?

I think it's the laziness. I don't DO. If I did more, would I be happy then or am I really happy sitting on my bum.

But it's something more than that... I think my goals are mirages of the life I want. They are so focused on fixing my problems that they neglect to enrich me. NONE of my goals were set to make me smile. They were all made to remove the bad but they never filled me with good... I need goals that Fulfill if I really want to be living a better life.

Lately I've been getting more into art. I used to sketch all the time when I was in school. The results weren't so good but I am getting lots better. Here is a picture of the sketch I've been working on.


To Do List for today
- take a shower
- research life fulfillment
- make new goals
- take the kids to a birthday party
- go to a doctor's appointment for baby Charlee

Something nice I did today? My girlfriend is sick, she wanted ice cream. I'm kind of a stressed out person when it comes to money... but I wanted her to help her sooth her sore throat so, I made her some from scratch out of what we have.

The Journey to Polyamorous

In High School I came out as Bisexual. I always hated when people would tell me it was a phase. It wasn't a phase, not even when I was monogamous. I didn't date women because... well that's complicated and emotional. Maybe I will tell you about it some other time.

My husband and I have had an open relationship for the last 9 years. We went through a series of stages... The first few years we had strict rules: You have to ask permission first. You have to tell me everything about it after. You have to use protection. Do not FALL IN LOVE. I'm sure we had more rules but I really don't remember them. Soon it became: You can do whatever with whoever but I need you to be honest with me about it and I want to know if something happened. AND DO NOT FALL IN LOVE. That was really easy for us to follow.

Until I fell in love. I was very confused at that point. For time reference it was about 2-3 years ago. There was a man I had met in Tennessee and I fell for him very fast. I talked to my husband about having broken what was essentially the only rule we had left. Some outside factors made a mess of the situation and feeling backed into a corner I left.

Two months later, I was back. My husband has always been my soul mate... We sorted through everything together and were stronger for it. I knew then that I never wanted to leave my husband. BUT sure enough, my desire to be with other people wasn't gone. It was a part of me. I ignored it for several months because we needed that so our relationship could heal. Somewhere between 7 months and a year later, I brought it up again. We agreed that other people hadn't been the problem.

This time I wanted more than a fling or a one night stand. I wanted a friendship. AND that is exactly what I found. I met a man and we went hiking and I was completely up front with him about what I was looking for... but I really didn't expect the next year to unfold the way it did. Occasionally I would see other men but none of them turned into more than flings. My relationship with my fwb had developed into something far more than I had expected.

At the time I didn't even know what polyamoury was. I didn't know there were people who actively held meaningful relationships with more than one person... but I knew that's what I wanted. When I figured that out I joined an online group on Facebook filled with people just like me. I was THRILLED... I wasn't looking for a relationship at all. I just wanted to talk to people who understood that side of me. I wanted people to understand that I wasn't just trying to be promiscuous. And they did understand. A week into joining the group I met my bf.

I still remember the very beginnings of our conversation...

First I met my boyfriend

He was telling me they wanted to extend their family but weren't sure if they would ever find that. I was tired of side relationships that made me feel like two different people.

We were both so up front about who we were with and the situations we had been in.

Then we introduced our partners... at the time, my husband and his fiance'.

We all hit it off so fast. The rest is pretty much history... and present... and future :)

OK, to be fair, there were quite a few fights along the way.

There was a lot of jealousy and fear to sort out before we got where we are today. Most of the problems were between myself, my girlfriend, and my boyfriend. I think the prior open relationship with my husband made me more used to sharing him. Surprisingly, I had as many problems sharing my boyfriend with her as she had sharing him with me... ironic because really for a long time he was still hers. BUT now... he is firmly ours and when we aren't getting enough of his attention we don't take it out on each other. BTW we could both use some extra attention from both of you, lol.

There was one other problem that we are still more or less working on. I have some deep intimacy issues with women in particular that stem from more than just my mother. I love my girlfriend in every way possible. She is beautiful and romantic. I wish I could take our relationship to a deeper level but I have so many fears holding me back. We're getting there. I just want her to know how much I love and value her.



We'd all really love to get married. Legally would be ideal but we want to have a commitment ceremony regardless of legality.

Our Multicultural Dentist Experience

We took five of our 6 3/4 children to the dentist about a week ago for their six month cleaning. Our oldest child still has not seen a dentist all year. We're trying to get her in to see our dentist during spring break but for now she has an appointment during summer break when we have her. She really needs to see a dentist because she has been complaining about her teeth for about 9 months now.

Last time we went to the dentist we had to take our 5 year old all the way to Nashville for him to have dental surgery, which went really well. The dentist is worried about his two front bottom teeth but actually suggested that they are ready for US to wiggle and pull them out at home so his adult teeth can come in. Or we can make an appointment and he will pull them. Other than that he is all good.

Also last time, our 4 year old daughter screamed and cried. They could not get ex-rays of her teeth. The most they accomplished was having her brush her own teeth with a new princess toothbrush. Nobody was allowed to see in her mouth. BUT this time we brought my husband who has always been really good at prepping the kids for doctors and she did fine. She was so proud of herself: sat through the ex-rays, laid on the table, bragged about how good she was being, let them clean her teeth, and let the dentist look at them. It was a complete 180... she even told the dentist that she is as tall as her head.

We had been to that dentist once before and explained that we are co-parenting. They treated us as one family. This last time we were treated like two families again. Actually that happened at our OB appointment yesterday. New staff and spaced out appointments are just not maintaining the one family vibe that we are always striving for. I think it is going to be something we always struggle with.

The most interesting thing happened in the waiting room where they have a whole section of toys set up. Three of our children were playing and I was watching them while my girlfriend and my husband were in the back with the other two kids. A family walked in... two parents, a grandma, and a little girl. She was probably 2 years old and she spoke Indian like her family. I got the distinct impression that neither her nor her grandmother spoke English... maybe this was just an impression. So, the grandmother brought this tiny shy little girl over to purple haired me and my three rowdy kids.

I smiled at her and her granddaughter and tried to let her know that I was friendly and non-judgmental. She smiled back and encouraged her granddaughter to go play with some of the toys. I told the kids to share. And then we both let the kids do what they were going to do. What happened next made me so proud... our 5 year old, who was playing with legos, brought her a whole bag full of legos and handed her one. Neither of them needed to say anything. Our six year old made a train on the table and let her push it. None of them even noticed she spoke another language. They were just playing with their new tiny friend. And then we had to go but that was such a beautiful moment.

I consider us so normal. We're just a family. We do nap-time and homework and struggle with how to deal with an almost teenager and struggle with how in the world to get our children to clean their room. Everyone in our relationship sleeps in one bed much like any other relationship. Cheating is sleeping with other people. OR kissing, OR touching... actually I'm a super jealous person when it comes to my relationships. We argue and resolve our problems. We eat dinner almost every night at the table together. We just live and figure out how to make life work. We take care of each other.

On that note I should mention this... I had an unhappy childhood. My dad was always there for me, he did the best he was capable of doing. It wasn't what I needed but he did and does love me. My mom was never there. She and I have struggled to find a balance in our relationship that works but I think we have found a happy place to get to know one another. I do wish she was more involved in my life and the the life of my children but I think I understand why she isn't. She would have to be here for that to really work... Or I would have to be there. Overall, my family and my extended family have everything they could for me and I'm very grateful for them because without them I wouldn't be me. I love me and being me. There are things I want to change about myself and the only way I had to explain my hatred of TV was to say how it really was FROM MY PERSPECTIVE.

Life is so much more complicated that MY perspective. Parents, people... we're all just trying to survive and thrive and we let things slide without understanding the effects. I'm sure my dad had no idea that having 24 hour access to a TV was going to have such a negative effect on me. I know my mom is just an "out of site, out of mind" kind of person. Both of those things hurt me but neither of those things were done to hurt me on purpose. Life is hard, ON EVERYONE. I'm sure my eight year old daughter hates that I'm strict with her... but I'm just trying to teach her that "no" needs to be heard and accepted every now and again. At the end of the day when she hugs me for an extra long time, I know she knows I love her. Life is just complicated.