The Journey to Polyamorous

In High School I came out as Bisexual. I always hated when people would tell me it was a phase. It wasn't a phase, not even when I was monogamous. I didn't date women because... well that's complicated and emotional. Maybe I will tell you about it some other time.

My husband and I have had an open relationship for the last 9 years. We went through a series of stages... The first few years we had strict rules: You have to ask permission first. You have to tell me everything about it after. You have to use protection. Do not FALL IN LOVE. I'm sure we had more rules but I really don't remember them. Soon it became: You can do whatever with whoever but I need you to be honest with me about it and I want to know if something happened. AND DO NOT FALL IN LOVE. That was really easy for us to follow.

Until I fell in love. I was very confused at that point. For time reference it was about 2-3 years ago. There was a man I had met in Tennessee and I fell for him very fast. I talked to my husband about having broken what was essentially the only rule we had left. Some outside factors made a mess of the situation and feeling backed into a corner I left.

Two months later, I was back. My husband has always been my soul mate... We sorted through everything together and were stronger for it. I knew then that I never wanted to leave my husband. BUT sure enough, my desire to be with other people wasn't gone. It was a part of me. I ignored it for several months because we needed that so our relationship could heal. Somewhere between 7 months and a year later, I brought it up again. We agreed that other people hadn't been the problem.

This time I wanted more than a fling or a one night stand. I wanted a friendship. AND that is exactly what I found. I met a man and we went hiking and I was completely up front with him about what I was looking for... but I really didn't expect the next year to unfold the way it did. Occasionally I would see other men but none of them turned into more than flings. My relationship with my fwb had developed into something far more than I had expected.

At the time I didn't even know what polyamoury was. I didn't know there were people who actively held meaningful relationships with more than one person... but I knew that's what I wanted. When I figured that out I joined an online group on Facebook filled with people just like me. I was THRILLED... I wasn't looking for a relationship at all. I just wanted to talk to people who understood that side of me. I wanted people to understand that I wasn't just trying to be promiscuous. And they did understand. A week into joining the group I met my bf.

I still remember the very beginnings of our conversation...

First I met my boyfriend

He was telling me they wanted to extend their family but weren't sure if they would ever find that. I was tired of side relationships that made me feel like two different people.

We were both so up front about who we were with and the situations we had been in.

Then we introduced our partners... at the time, my husband and his fiance'.

We all hit it off so fast. The rest is pretty much history... and present... and future :)

OK, to be fair, there were quite a few fights along the way.

There was a lot of jealousy and fear to sort out before we got where we are today. Most of the problems were between myself, my girlfriend, and my boyfriend. I think the prior open relationship with my husband made me more used to sharing him. Surprisingly, I had as many problems sharing my boyfriend with her as she had sharing him with me... ironic because really for a long time he was still hers. BUT now... he is firmly ours and when we aren't getting enough of his attention we don't take it out on each other. BTW we could both use some extra attention from both of you, lol.

There was one other problem that we are still more or less working on. I have some deep intimacy issues with women in particular that stem from more than just my mother. I love my girlfriend in every way possible. She is beautiful and romantic. I wish I could take our relationship to a deeper level but I have so many fears holding me back. We're getting there. I just want her to know how much I love and value her.



We'd all really love to get married. Legally would be ideal but we want to have a commitment ceremony regardless of legality.