Dream Killers

I've hit this wall in my transformation... I don't really feel like I'm backsliding but even as I write that I have to question my evaluation... I haven't showered in a week. I forget, and I don't think about it... time passes sometimes without ever having been noticed. Maybe we invented clocks because without them time blurs together...

THE WALL
So, I've done pretty well I think with most of my goals but there's this wall. I'm getting depressed and bored. That was never my intention to begin with. Was I happier zoning out of the world and living out fantasies of life in my mind? Could that be true? I really don't think so. Why am I unhappy? Why am I bored?

I think it's the laziness. I don't DO. If I did more, would I be happy then or am I really happy sitting on my bum.

But it's something more than that... I think my goals are mirages of the life I want. They are so focused on fixing my problems that they neglect to enrich me. NONE of my goals were set to make me smile. They were all made to remove the bad but they never filled me with good... I need goals that Fulfill if I really want to be living a better life.

Lately I've been getting more into art. I used to sketch all the time when I was in school. The results weren't so good but I am getting lots better. Here is a picture of the sketch I've been working on.


To Do List for today
- take a shower
- research life fulfillment
- make new goals
- take the kids to a birthday party
- go to a doctor's appointment for baby Charlee

Something nice I did today? My girlfriend is sick, she wanted ice cream. I'm kind of a stressed out person when it comes to money... but I wanted her to help her sooth her sore throat so, I made her some from scratch out of what we have.

The Journey to Polyamorous

In High School I came out as Bisexual. I always hated when people would tell me it was a phase. It wasn't a phase, not even when I was monogamous. I didn't date women because... well that's complicated and emotional. Maybe I will tell you about it some other time.

My husband and I have had an open relationship for the last 9 years. We went through a series of stages... The first few years we had strict rules: You have to ask permission first. You have to tell me everything about it after. You have to use protection. Do not FALL IN LOVE. I'm sure we had more rules but I really don't remember them. Soon it became: You can do whatever with whoever but I need you to be honest with me about it and I want to know if something happened. AND DO NOT FALL IN LOVE. That was really easy for us to follow.

Until I fell in love. I was very confused at that point. For time reference it was about 2-3 years ago. There was a man I had met in Tennessee and I fell for him very fast. I talked to my husband about having broken what was essentially the only rule we had left. Some outside factors made a mess of the situation and feeling backed into a corner I left.

Two months later, I was back. My husband has always been my soul mate... We sorted through everything together and were stronger for it. I knew then that I never wanted to leave my husband. BUT sure enough, my desire to be with other people wasn't gone. It was a part of me. I ignored it for several months because we needed that so our relationship could heal. Somewhere between 7 months and a year later, I brought it up again. We agreed that other people hadn't been the problem.

This time I wanted more than a fling or a one night stand. I wanted a friendship. AND that is exactly what I found. I met a man and we went hiking and I was completely up front with him about what I was looking for... but I really didn't expect the next year to unfold the way it did. Occasionally I would see other men but none of them turned into more than flings. My relationship with my fwb had developed into something far more than I had expected.

At the time I didn't even know what polyamoury was. I didn't know there were people who actively held meaningful relationships with more than one person... but I knew that's what I wanted. When I figured that out I joined an online group on Facebook filled with people just like me. I was THRILLED... I wasn't looking for a relationship at all. I just wanted to talk to people who understood that side of me. I wanted people to understand that I wasn't just trying to be promiscuous. And they did understand. A week into joining the group I met my bf.

I still remember the very beginnings of our conversation...

First I met my boyfriend

He was telling me they wanted to extend their family but weren't sure if they would ever find that. I was tired of side relationships that made me feel like two different people.

We were both so up front about who we were with and the situations we had been in.

Then we introduced our partners... at the time, my husband and his fiance'.

We all hit it off so fast. The rest is pretty much history... and present... and future :)

OK, to be fair, there were quite a few fights along the way.

There was a lot of jealousy and fear to sort out before we got where we are today. Most of the problems were between myself, my girlfriend, and my boyfriend. I think the prior open relationship with my husband made me more used to sharing him. Surprisingly, I had as many problems sharing my boyfriend with her as she had sharing him with me... ironic because really for a long time he was still hers. BUT now... he is firmly ours and when we aren't getting enough of his attention we don't take it out on each other. BTW we could both use some extra attention from both of you, lol.

There was one other problem that we are still more or less working on. I have some deep intimacy issues with women in particular that stem from more than just my mother. I love my girlfriend in every way possible. She is beautiful and romantic. I wish I could take our relationship to a deeper level but I have so many fears holding me back. We're getting there. I just want her to know how much I love and value her.



We'd all really love to get married. Legally would be ideal but we want to have a commitment ceremony regardless of legality.

Our Multicultural Dentist Experience

We took five of our 6 3/4 children to the dentist about a week ago for their six month cleaning. Our oldest child still has not seen a dentist all year. We're trying to get her in to see our dentist during spring break but for now she has an appointment during summer break when we have her. She really needs to see a dentist because she has been complaining about her teeth for about 9 months now.

Last time we went to the dentist we had to take our 5 year old all the way to Nashville for him to have dental surgery, which went really well. The dentist is worried about his two front bottom teeth but actually suggested that they are ready for US to wiggle and pull them out at home so his adult teeth can come in. Or we can make an appointment and he will pull them. Other than that he is all good.

Also last time, our 4 year old daughter screamed and cried. They could not get ex-rays of her teeth. The most they accomplished was having her brush her own teeth with a new princess toothbrush. Nobody was allowed to see in her mouth. BUT this time we brought my husband who has always been really good at prepping the kids for doctors and she did fine. She was so proud of herself: sat through the ex-rays, laid on the table, bragged about how good she was being, let them clean her teeth, and let the dentist look at them. It was a complete 180... she even told the dentist that she is as tall as her head.

We had been to that dentist once before and explained that we are co-parenting. They treated us as one family. This last time we were treated like two families again. Actually that happened at our OB appointment yesterday. New staff and spaced out appointments are just not maintaining the one family vibe that we are always striving for. I think it is going to be something we always struggle with.

The most interesting thing happened in the waiting room where they have a whole section of toys set up. Three of our children were playing and I was watching them while my girlfriend and my husband were in the back with the other two kids. A family walked in... two parents, a grandma, and a little girl. She was probably 2 years old and she spoke Indian like her family. I got the distinct impression that neither her nor her grandmother spoke English... maybe this was just an impression. So, the grandmother brought this tiny shy little girl over to purple haired me and my three rowdy kids.

I smiled at her and her granddaughter and tried to let her know that I was friendly and non-judgmental. She smiled back and encouraged her granddaughter to go play with some of the toys. I told the kids to share. And then we both let the kids do what they were going to do. What happened next made me so proud... our 5 year old, who was playing with legos, brought her a whole bag full of legos and handed her one. Neither of them needed to say anything. Our six year old made a train on the table and let her push it. None of them even noticed she spoke another language. They were just playing with their new tiny friend. And then we had to go but that was such a beautiful moment.

I consider us so normal. We're just a family. We do nap-time and homework and struggle with how to deal with an almost teenager and struggle with how in the world to get our children to clean their room. Everyone in our relationship sleeps in one bed much like any other relationship. Cheating is sleeping with other people. OR kissing, OR touching... actually I'm a super jealous person when it comes to my relationships. We argue and resolve our problems. We eat dinner almost every night at the table together. We just live and figure out how to make life work. We take care of each other.

On that note I should mention this... I had an unhappy childhood. My dad was always there for me, he did the best he was capable of doing. It wasn't what I needed but he did and does love me. My mom was never there. She and I have struggled to find a balance in our relationship that works but I think we have found a happy place to get to know one another. I do wish she was more involved in my life and the the life of my children but I think I understand why she isn't. She would have to be here for that to really work... Or I would have to be there. Overall, my family and my extended family have everything they could for me and I'm very grateful for them because without them I wouldn't be me. I love me and being me. There are things I want to change about myself and the only way I had to explain my hatred of TV was to say how it really was FROM MY PERSPECTIVE.

Life is so much more complicated that MY perspective. Parents, people... we're all just trying to survive and thrive and we let things slide without understanding the effects. I'm sure my dad had no idea that having 24 hour access to a TV was going to have such a negative effect on me. I know my mom is just an "out of site, out of mind" kind of person. Both of those things hurt me but neither of those things were done to hurt me on purpose. Life is hard, ON EVERYONE. I'm sure my eight year old daughter hates that I'm strict with her... but I'm just trying to teach her that "no" needs to be heard and accepted every now and again. At the end of the day when she hugs me for an extra long time, I know she knows I love her. Life is just complicated.

The TeleVision Fiasco

After not having cable in any house that I pay rent in for the past 8 years, I can now say that we have cable. Ah the joys of television. But before I tell you about the TV currently in my house, let me tell you a little back story...

When I was a child, I had a TV in my room. Many of us 90's kids did. Many children have them now. But I also was very unhappy and alone as a child. I didn't have very many friends. I didn't get along with my brother. I lived with my dad and my mom lived in Germany. There were no rules. I actually remember asking my dad to give me rules once. Can you imagine a child that feels so lost in the world that they ASK for a bedtime, That they ASK to be required to bathe, That they ASK to be required to do homework? Can you think about that for a second? I was eight when I asked my dad to hold MY hand to cross the street... because that hadn't been a part of my life and it made me feel more normal.

So, there I was... lost in the world trying to figure out what life was and it was there. Television right there in my room. Did I mention there was a lock on my door? not that anyone came to check on me.

A day in the life of 8 year old me... lets call it Tuesday. Wake up late, say 8:20 and have 10 minutes to get dressed and run to the bus stop. Many many times I could see the bus coming up the street while I was running. School got out at 3 or 3:30 and I was home by 4. The first thing I did when I got home from school? turn the TV on. Then I would watch it from 4 until 10 or 11, whenever I got tired and then I would sleep. I ate in front of my TV.

Some of you aren't comprehending what I mean by "I would watch it"... some of you turn the TV on and catch little bits here and there whole you do other things. I did NOTHING else. NOTHING. There were times I peed my pants because I did not stop watching to go to the bathroom.

OK so fast forward..... High School. Same habits. I think I actually showered less often than when I was a kid.  Still watched 7 hours of television on a school day. I only passed school because studying wasn't really necessary for me to soak in the material. I was lucky in that way.

I knew I had a problem. It got so bad that I could walk into a room with a television on (news, commercial, didn't matter what was actually on) and I would zone into that TV from anywhere in the room, I couldn't hear people talking to me. People would be saying my name and I wouldn't hear them AT ALL. One of my friends tried to help me by pointing it out until I could recognize the problem myself.

I'm only saying this stuff for context, so you all will understand why I just cannot handle having a TV in my home. When I have one I don't do anything else.

HOW DID CABLE GET INTO MY HOME?

The internet company called and offered us a free one month trial. Needless to say I was not the one that answered the phone. I also was not informed about the decision until after... even though I was right about us having a TV in the bedroom WITHOUT cable... but that's a story for a different day.

Fine, we have cable, yay for everyone BUT me. SO, I made this really great healthy decision. I am not going to watch cable TV at all. None. We have had Netflix and the internet and I struggle with them, I'm not adding cable to the mix. I flat out refuse.

When they turn the TV on, I find something else to do. Usually that means I leave the room because I really think that listening to it could lead to watching it. I've done OK with Netflix... but I'm don't think I will ever be prepared for the challenge of cable. My boyfriend doesn't see a difference. I don't really know how to explain it to him. I asked my girlfriend (who is home with me all the time) to support me in this one way "Please watch TV intentionally"... that way it would never just BE on for no reason... sitting there waiting for me to get weak and get all sucked in and lose the rest of my day. DO you know what can be accomplished in 7 hours? and now I don't have school to take up any of my time. She has done really well with Netflix but as soon as she was watching TV today... it just got left on.

Have you ever noticed that? People just leave TV's on, like they are some kind of extension of the furniture that needs to be alive. And when I asked her to turn it off she was busy, so she asked me to turn it off. I said no. That is just a firm boundary that I have set for myself. NO I will not watch cable in my house. Not an hour of a show I love, Not a half hour to wind down, Not five minutes because I got interested while I was turning it off. NO. Am I over reacting?

Everyone gets huffy when I mention I'll just go do something else. I don't say it mean. I try not to. It take a lot for me to leave the room and we've only had cable for TWO days. I don't really know how this month is gonna go but my answer to cable in the house is no. JUST NO.

Sorry if that was a little long.

Day 16 and The Missing Days

I made it to TWO WEEKS... it probably doesn't feel like it because I wasn't posting but I did not stop the progress. There was 1 or 2 pajama days, and going outside still evades me but the rest is still really on track. Actually, I don't watch more than an hour of TV a day and some of things I have wanted to do for a long long time are happening.

I have seedlings!

I do go outside about 43% more often which I consider a win... and even though we got a new dusting of snow, the first signs of spring are peaking through the dreadful tail end of winter. Winter is by far my least favorite season but I am so happy to even have seasons now that I don't mind it as much. In the desert there is summer and winter and then more summer. Blistering heat all summer starting in February sometimes and blistering winds all winter... ugh. Tennessee has proven to be the perfect climate for me. It is wet, but not always. The summers are never TOO hot and the winters are never TOO cold. I love it here, you should all visit.

So, what was I doing while I wasn't posting. I had this urge to draw, which I haven't done since high school... but I wanted to. It took a few days while I was still writing blog posts to figure out what I wanted to draw. Once I did I got kind of consumed with the art project and spent several hours a day working on it. The accomplishments that can be made within a few days are amazing. All you really need is a plan, and some focus. 

Here are some pictures of the in process...

Left is the original sketch

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Right is what it had started to become once I got it on the computer 

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And here is the final product...

I'm really happy with it. There are still things I see that I could tweak or change but it had to end at some point.